It took awhile for me to realize another way I had been sabotaging myself and the shoal sigil. One person’s cheer is another person’s sorrow, and I had been so worried about giving the more unpleasant people at work something to be cheerful about, I neglected to give myself something to be cheerful about.
The best revenge is a life well lived, and if that means living it moment by moment, well then… there are a lot of moments in the day.
There are lot of reasons to be happy in each moment.
I’m not blind. I know what’s going on in my country. My daughter doesn’t know how much I fear for her or for myself. There are a lot of things I feel absolutely powerless about, both in the larger sphere of government and in the small corner of land I run around in.
I am fucking livid that after all the things I have survived, come through, and recovered from, I still have to work beside people who would not hesitate to hand me over if it meant they got to watch me suffer. If they knew how they affect me when my depression is stuffing my head, it would give them “good cheer”.
That kinda pisses me off at times.
But you know… (and this is what I realized) … depriving myself of “good cheer” so I could deprive them of the same, is Not Good™. Ice cream doesn’t care about the hand that is scooping it. The way the sunlight comes through the window in the late afternoon to reflect off something pretty on the desk doesn’t care.
Withholding from myself the very things I need to get through “The Pit [of Depression]” because maybe someone I don’t like will enjoy it too, is wrong.
So I doubled down on firing the shoal sigil at work explicitly for “Good Cheer”.
I have an appointment with a difficult client? Good Cheer to buffer.
An unexpected client dropped by just to give me encouragement (and a bar of chocolate)? Good Cheer to give thanks.
A coworker bought me lunch to clear her (unwarranted) sense of debt and I couldn’t eat it because I’m not prepared to process that much grease in that short a time? Good Cheer anyway. She wanted to share her favorite spot and her happiness at being able to do something for me was worth discreetly disposing of the excess later.
The day ended with me and That One Coworker™ having to work in the same room for three hours. She was processing incoming documents and I was filing my completed work. (I had a metric fuck-ton of filing to catch up on.) “Good Cheer” and “Work Support” was doubled down on before going into the archive room.
And you know what happened?
Nothing.
I had finally learned the hard lesson of carrying my own peace. Not one glare, sound, or gesture of exasperation from her could remove the joys I carried silently with me. After I completed my filing, I wished her a good evening and left.
I visualized the shoal sigil behind me as I did so, with the intention of leaving “Good Cheer” vibes in my wake.
I am not responsible for her happiness. She is not responsible for mine. With all else going on in the world right now, trying to make happiness a zero-sum game is one of the worst mistakes I could be making.
The sun doesn’t care what it shines upon. The moon is indifferent to all who look upon it. I am only responsible for what I can do, and if I can leave some extra cheer for others, then that is all I can do.
It is up to others what they do with it, if they do anything at all.
And of course coffee happened. Some things you just don’t mess with!