The schedule of workings I had committed myself to did not leave me much time to pout. Either I kept going or I brought everything to a halt with the intention of never resuming. My day job wasn’t being light on me either. I did not have the luxury of ruminating over the revelation from the previous working.
That did not save me from having it on my mind every idle moment. So of course, I did what any experienced self-saboteur would do, and kept my mind focused on everything else but facing the stumbling block I placed in my way.
The next working was for the sphere of Mercury. I was looking forward to a friendly banter with Hermes in an idyllic dreamscape setting. Considering what I received during the working, maybe I should have challenged the pugilist to a rematch instead. It would have hurt less.
«There is nothing I can do for you until you move the obstacle out of your way.»
This time I had read the relevant chapter prior to the working, and even went back to the chapter on Venus and reread that for good measure so I could see how the two spheres worked together. I had a guess that advancement in one relied in advancement in previous spheres, but I wasn’t prepared to have that guess confirmed so concretely.
«Everything up to that point, you have been able to take ahold of for yourself. But everything that follows that point has been abdicated to the whims of fate because you are unwilling to take up what is yours. Until you do the work to control yourself in the sphere of Venus, what you do in the sphere of Mercury will be dictated by the venusian influences of others instead.»
«You know this already. I tell you nothing new.»
Yes. I knew. I had realized that the obstacle affected more than just matters of sex, and had already sat down and mapped out how everything from the clothes I bought to the food I ate to the tools I used at my day job was affected by this concern. That didn’t make any of it easier to hear.
“Is there anything of this sphere that could help me?”
«You have the map and the signs marked upon it. If you are concerned that you can’t get out of your own way, you have human assistance within reach. Don’t be too quick to draw on spirit assistance unless you’re willing to pay spirit costs.»
Well that’s a helluva warning.
Suddenly this series of workings wasn’t fun anymore. As if I was in it for “fun” in the first place. I reminded myself that I had sought out this book as a step towards a long term goal, and if that meant coming face to face with my immediate shortcomings, then I should be thankful that I see them and now have a chance to work on them.
But I also knew that removing this obstacle would take more time than I had left in the schedule. Either I complete the schedule as originally planned but with the likelihood that nothing further would come, or I pause the schedule to work on the obstacle.
After a night’s sleep I came to a decision: I would complete the schedule as originally planned. I had already received much more than I expected from the series, and if the whole point was to improve myself, then stopping now would only solidify the obstacle further.
After all, I was ill-prepared for the series as it was, and I had begun the matter with the resolve to improve over time. I could not allow Perfect™ to be the enemy of Good™, and as far as I was concerned, no one could judge me for my efforts but me.