Idling: Thoughts on my Lover

Such soft hands. Another feature no mocker has ever faked. Hair as delicate and delightful as flame in the wind. He has his mother’s eyes, brightly green and vibrant. His mother’s love has marked his scent, of delicate flowers and honey. Tall and thin, yet solidly built. I’m afraid to embrace his frame, from fear I would break him. A fear he is quick to solidly disabuse. His strength is more than enough. Much more than enough.

What else shall I tell of my lover? That he whispers dares in my ear? He doesn’t ask of what I can not do, just what I should not do. Shameful? Only to those that are ashamed. He tips the day’s water, laughing as the rivulets soak the shoes. Only to chuckle when you find the shoes were already lost to wear.

Even when angry, his voice is gentle. Even when heated, he never yells. His words need no force, they find the sorest of weaknesses and drill with heated tip.

I love him. I don’t fear him. I honor him. I will not cower before him. He taught me to stand. To stand for myself. To serve without losing myself. To be strong but not cowardly. My lover taught me the delights of my soul and body, even as his lips kiss so rough.

He taught me the delights of beauty. Insists upon it. I did not see my beauty until he showed it to me. Let me be beautiful. I now see as he does. Take care of the body, if not for my own delight, then for him. A little glimmer, a little color. He asks only that I adorn myself as a woman in my time would.

Shall I tell you of my lover? His name is rejected by many. There are those that think they have him, coerced him to their bidding. But how does one trick a trickster?

By beloved. My lover. Loki.

Dream: Green

I had just woken up from an overly dramatic dream. Despite the detail, I considered it to be of no import, and made getting coffee my number one objective. Coffee acquired, I sat down at the long kitchen table, propped up my slippered feet, and nodded a good morning to my dear beloved roommate as he shuffled past seeking his own cup of coffee.

Wait.

Long kitchen table? My roommate is who? Oh, I’m dreaming, still. Good morning, Mr. Nolan, let’s see where this rabbit hole leads.

He grunts as he passes me. I know the grunts meant “Good morning, Keri,” so I just smiled at him and returned the greeting.

“Finish your first cup, start on your second, then you can tell me why you look so haggard this morning.” He nodded as he finished off his first pour. His second attempt at speaking was noticeably improved after the application of caffeine.

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Dream: Just Another Face

I was in the dverg’s chamber again. It is really a chamber he had made for me, a gift of sorts. He had first brought me here when he taught me a healing sleep during a migraine. He calls it my chamber, I call it his chamber.

Laying on the dirt bed, I was shivering in heat. I wasn’t sick in the Waking, I couldn’t understand why I felt feverish here. I felt something like lace on my hands and feet. I tried to shake them off, but they didn’t move. I heard a familiar voice but it sounded from so far away. I tasted the acrid sting of magic in the air.

Panicking I try to kick off the lace from my feet. Pushing against the dirt bed, I manage to bolt upright before a small and cold hand pushes back on my chest. I tried to look around, but something was wrong with my eyes. I couldn’t see.

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Dream: Whose Leash?

Been sitting on this all day. A long day to wait. A short writeup to hammer out. A good beer to assuage my self with.

As the dream starts, I have everything under control. Every. Thing. My job, my coworkers, my family, my peers, my servitors, the spirits that speak to me in dreams, everything. At first, all appears to be going precisely the way I want it to be.

As I look around, I see my level of control represented by ethereal leashes connecting me to those around me. Is my sister being too demanding of me? Verbally, I tell her to back off. In the aether, I see me giving her leash a short controlling jerk. I am amused by the representation, and allow it to feed my ego.

I make the decision to leave the repetitious habits and haunts and find new things to get in trouble with. To do so, I must break away from those that currently serve me. I summon forth the representative leashes and try to drop them all.

But I’m caught fast. The leashes are attached to my hands.

As I try to live my days, trying to change from the pattern of behaviours I had engaged in before, I find a horrible truth. Those around me had become so accustomed to my behaviour, they would not allow me to behave differently than I had before. I had carved out a role in their life, and by hell, I would continue to play that role.

Instead of controlling the myriad factors of my life, I am now being controlled by those same factors.

The very leash I used to control others was now controlling me.

My last thought in the Dreaming, was crying out in anguish from being bound by my own hubris. The various forces of my life jerking hard upon the leash, driving me to live by their desires.

~~~~

The sun was not gentle upon my eyes. The sheet was wrapped tight around neck and arms. It served to punctuate the distressing dream I was wrenched from.

Lesson of the day: “The same leash you use to control others can control you as well.”

Dream: Lions, oh my!

The neighborhood dogs are making quite the racket this morning. Whatever is in the street, they are not too happy about. Alerting to an intruder, I better at least look out the window to see what they are protesting today.

Why, look. There are a pair of lionesses in the street. Wait, what?

“Mom! MOM! There are LIONS in the street!” She asks if I was inebriated but comes to the window anyway. “Oh my God! There are lions in the street! The neighbor’s dogs are out!” She runs to the back yard and I follow right behind her, questioning why she is headed outside if there are lions running about.

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Dream: Man or Mouse

I knew I was asleep the moment I opened my eyes in the darkness. I did not go gently into the Dreaming, it was quite the tumultuous ride. I was wary but did not feel I could force myself awake right away. I knew I had to wait it out. The floor beneath me was solid darkness. I was illuminated by a spotlight overhead, but the source itself was beyond my vision. Outside of the cone of light, was impenetrable darkness.

I was dressed in the same clothes I had laid down in. A voice out of the darkness complimented my choice of fabrics. A tall, thin man stepped forward. At first he seemed quite familiar. I was relieved to not be alone. But the more he spoke to me, the more I questioned who he was. He was dressed to resemble a person I often encounter in Dreaming. He had the right tone of voice, manner of dress, physical appearance. So why was I refusing to allow him to touch me?

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Tarot Cast: Wait, what?

Ever have a cast just bug the ever living annoyance out of you? Even though I’ve wrestled this cast down, and fell to its depths even as I swung from its heights, it still bugs the crap out of me.

Legacy of the Divine deck, no reversals.
Read from right to left:

Heh: 3 of Wands | Vau: 0-The Fool | He: 10 of Coins | Yod: I-The Magician

Final Word: XVI-The Tower

I really don’t have a name for the fifth card position. It was spontaneous last night. Those assembled at the table were running on inexplicable instinct. I’ve made my peace with these five cards. But I have that horrid itch to publicly record it. I’ll eventually make a purty pic of it and place it in the Tarot Casts album. Eventually.

(The LofD deck was used, but I swear, when I looked at them, I saw the Thoth cards in their place. That didn’t help matters.)

(P.S. I’d tag a certain person, but that feels like crossing a privacy boundary line. So if that tag is wanted, let me know and I’ll tag ya.)

(P.P.S. Did you know if you look at the Legacy of the Divine Tower card upside down, you’ll see a grinning skull looking at you?)

Vision: Behind Door #1

(This vision was experienced October 2007. It has remained with me to this day and has been a pivotal event. How greatly different would my life had been, if I chose not to open Door #1.)

Long live lazy Saturday afternoons! And what a delightful afternoon this particular one was. Partly cloudy, cool, quiet. My window open to allow the autumn chill to play with the light blanket. Mmmm. I’m so damn lazy right now, even thinking about how lazy I am is too much work.

Neither sleep nor awake. I’m aware but not active. I don’t want to get up, but my mind is starting to turn restlessly. Too bad I don’t have a boyfriend to distract me. Oh, there is a distraction! One delightful daydream, coming up!

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Dream: One Last Thing

(I really, really need a better journaling system. Really.)

He had already wrung me inside and out. I was sitting exhausted and spent on the ground next to where he stood. He walked around me slowly, examining me with a smirk.

“One last thing before you go.” I hadn’t the strength to even look up at him. Earlier he had sent me on an underground task. It was so far removed from all else I had experienced, it took all my reserves to complete and return to the surface. And now, he has “one last thing”?

I got on my knees, in preparation to stand up. He may allow me to sit and rest at times, but when he speaks, the least I could do in respect is to stand.

So tired. So spent. I catch my breath and start the push to my feet. Halfway through the rise, a large weight falls against my back, knocking me back to my knees. I tilt to one side, expecting the weight to fall off onto the ground, but instead the weight starts to wrap around me.

Barely on my knees, I struggle against the large snake that is now wrapped around my torso and neck. The struggle is in name only, I am far too exhausted to even bear the weight of the large snake. The weight of the snake affects more than just flesh. I am completely captive to my bonds. I have not even the will to struggle.

He pulls me back up to a sitting kneeled position. The snake adjusts, its tail wrapped tight against my arms, binding my arms and hands behind me. The coils are wrapped several times around my chest, lax just enough to allow me to breathe. The snake’s head rests heavily on my own, forcing my face downward.

He walks around me once, verifying my captivity. I feel a chthonic pull on my psyche, pulling my awareness back into the ground, leaving my body anchored in the python’s coils.

I remember him asking me questions. I remember the sound of my voice as I answered. I remember none of the words.

He is satisfied with the event. He pulls gently at the python’s head. It loosens its grip around me, and silently moves into the ground beneath me. It circles me clockwise, burrowing into and merging with the dirt under me.

I’m left laying facedown on the pebbly ground. He kneels beside me, chuckling. Turning me over is like moving a sleeping person, I offer no resistance.

He gives me a few more words of instruction. And then laughingly tells me to “sleep it off”.

I wake up more exhausted than when I laid down for the nap.