Pepper Spray Carols

So, um, yea. A call was put out to make pepper spray themed Christmas carols. I might have gone too far with it. My first attempt was based on “Let It Snow“, and I chucked around three ‘verses’ for the fun of it. But my muse would just not allow me to leave it there.

Oh the crowds this year are frightful!
But the deals, are so, delightful…
The pepper spray will make them go…
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

That bitch looked at me sideways,
It’s good, I have, the bear mace,
It’s modified for maximum flow…
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

The kid, he had it coming,
But his grandpa got the drumming,
I’ll just sweep the crowd to and fro…
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

Adequate, right? Got a chuckle. Yea, the rhyming is clunky, whatever. Instead, I get a stern glare from my muse and the sounds of “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” start stirring. Oh shit.

Grandma got a face full of pepper spray,
Camping down from our house, Christmas Eve!
You may say this ain’t a totalitarian state,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

She’d been singing with the Occupiers,
And we had begged her deeply, not to go.
But she said her age would help protect her,
Instead they aimed for her with their first blow.

When we found her at the jailhouse,
Instead of at the makeshift medic tent,
There were boot prints up and down her torso,
Her dentures crushed, her eyeglass frame was bent.

Chorus:
Grandma got a face full of pepper spray,
Camping down from our house, Christmas Eve!
You may say this ain’t a totalitarian state,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

Now we are all so proud of dear ol’ Grandma!
She’s been taking this very well!
Her arraignment has been inked for Monday,
And I’m sure she’ll tell the judge to go to hell!

It’s not a normal Christmas without Grandma!
The family is split with what to do?
Some of us just can’t but help to wonder,
If we should support the Occupiers, too?

Chorus:
Grandma got a face full of pepper spray,
Camping down from our house, Christmas Eve!
You may say this ain’t a totalitarian state,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

We took the goose down to the Occupiers.
Handed out the pudding in little cups.
Knitted hats and gloves for those who need them,
And little sweaters for the loyal pups.

I’ve warned all my friends and  neighbors,
It’s time we banded together for ourselves.
We’ve forgotten the motto of our country,
United we stand, divided we go to hell!

Chorus:
Grandma got a face full of pepper spray,
Camping down from our house, Christmas Eve!
(Exercising her right to assembly!)
You may say this ain’t a totalitarian state,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
(Gods, we believe!)

Oh, as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
(We believe it ain’t far from over, y’all.
Far from over.)

There. Done. Now, where’s that whiskey. I need some brain bleach.