So I Gave Her What She Wanted

I really wasn’t feeling well yesterday. The lack of solid sleep had caught up with sooner than I thought. I found myself zoning out in front of the keyboard. I knew if I tried to force myself to stay upright, it would end in pain, so I turned off the phone and went back to bed. Just a quick nap, I told myself. I fell asleep quicker than I thought I would.

So comfortable. Cold room, warm fluffy blankets. Wait. Fluffy? I pinch the blanket over me, and find I’m under winter covers. Wow, that was quick. Do I open my dream eyes and go on another adventure, or take advantage of being even more comfortable and go to deeper sleep? ~pulls cover over head~

“Weaver. Weaver. Wake up. You gotta see this.” The sounds are accompanied by a gentle shaking of my shoulder. I’d love to pretend I’m sleeping harder, but I’m in the Dreaming and the speaker is calling me by that name. I’m also curious because the speaker is having a hard time, trying to form words between peals of laughter.

I pull the fluffy blanket off my head and stare up into a green streaked face. The speaker is tall, lithe, and covered with tendrils of squirming ivy. Even though his form is quite androgynous, somehow I can tell his gender. I just don’t know which species of fae I’m dealing with this time. “What… I was sleeping good…” I can’t help but smile at him. He’s nearly doubled over in laughter.

“Weaver… I know you were sleeping… but… ” More laughter. He waves a thin flat object at me, motioning for me to take it. “You gotta read this! They never learn!” He places the object by my hand and indulges in more knee-buckling laughter.

It feels like a piece of thin, carefully formed slate. I turn it over, and find glowing words and images. A tentative poke at a pulsing symbol, and I realize what I’m holding. Whoever said the fae don’t like technology needs to be quiet now. I’m holding a wireless tablet displaying a chat log. The symbols squiggled and squirmed on the screen. I can make out the basic interface, but what is actually portrayed escapes me.

“Um, I can’t read this.” He looks up at me, his eyes swirling to a deeper shade of green in confusion before brightening into the color of spring leaves.

“Oh, yea, that’s right. Sorry, Weaver.” He takes the tablet from me, and changes the language. “You read English, right? Okay. Here you go.”

I sit up in bed and find I’m being cradled by a woven assortment of branches. I’m not surprised to find the branches are living extensions of the tree that makes up the abode. As I sit up, I silently thank the tree for holding me. A twig grows upward and explodes into fragrant blooms. The fae sees this, and says nothing while handing me the tablet again, but the smile wasn’t so quick that I didn’t catch it. I note only the chat log has been translated into English. The rest of the system is still undecipherable to me. Now I’m the one subtly smiling.

VenusDickTrap: How much loot did you get from the eclipse?
Puckology: Not much. A few quartz trinkets, but not really worth keeping.
Puckology: Nothing I can present to the Queen. You?
VenusDickTrap: There was this guy...
VenusDickTrap: He thought I was the Goddess...
VenusDickTrap: But he was so excited, he popped too early.
Puckology: Aww, fuck.
VenusDickTrap: No fucks given.
VenusDickTrap: No fucks had.
VenusDickTrap: But his mate walked in on us.
VenusDickTrap: And now he has no dick.
VenusDickTrap: >.<
Puckology: Now /that/ is fucked!
Puckology: ROFL
System Message: LadyOverYou has entered "Not So Secret".
System Message: LadyOverYou +mod
System Message: LadyOverYou +ops
System Message: LadyOverYou is now "Not So Secret" owner.
System Message: LadyOverYou has revoked external mod.
System Message: LadyOverYou has revoked external ops.
System Message: LadyOverYou has changed the room title to "Iron Rule"
LadyOverYou: Wassup my bitches!
Puckology: The fuck? Y I NO HAS OPS?
LadyOverYou: Because this is my server now.
LadyOverYou: I'm in your system taking control. lololololol
VenusDickTrap: P. Look at the room name.
VenusDickTrap: It's a human using the Iron exploiter.
VenusDickTrap: A-fucking-gain. Enough to make Mab cry.
VenusDickTrap: I thought that hole was closed!
System Message: VenusDickTrap has been silenced by LadyOverYou.
LadyOverYou: Quiet dog! Good dog!
Imptastic: Oh snap! He shut VDT up! Didn't think that could happen!
Imptastic: I, for one, welcome our new human overlord!
LadyOverYou: SHE! I'm a woman, dammit! If you're going to kiss my ass, do it right!
Imptastic: But your kind can switch genders, right?
Imptastic: Not as neatly as those amphibians, but your technology is catching up.
LadyOverYou: Look you insignificant imp, I'm on to you.
Imptastic: Please? That would be fun.
Puckology: No it wouldn't.
Puckology: Think of the cleansing afterward.
Imptastic: Oh.
Imptastic: Yea.
Imptastic: Blech.
Imptastic: Pass.
Imptastic: Go fuck around elsewhere, human. We have serious things to do.
LadyOverYou: You think this is all I can do?
SystemMessage: StonedStone has entered "Iron Rule".
LadyOverYou: You don't understand how far I can fuck your shit up.
StonedStone: DUUUUUUDE! Check it! Iron iz up in hea!
LadyOverYou: Try me!
StonedStone: SCREENED!
LadyOverYou: I'll rewrite your Akashic record!
StonedStone: LOLOLOLOL Puck got OWNED by a HUMAN! LOLOLOLOL
StonedStone: How does it feel to get bitchslapped, Puck?
StonedStone: Puck's ass is BOUND!
StonedStone: Who did it? LadyOverYou?
StonedStone: Sure that's not VenusDickTrap's alt?
System Message: StonedStone has been kicked by LadyOverYou.
System Message: StonedStone has been banned by LadyOverYou.
Puckology: Thanks. Mab's tits, that fucker gets on my nerves.
Puckology: I ban him all the time, but when someone uses Iron, he can get back in.
Puckology: Can't wait to see how he 'shops it this time.
Puckology: Not.
Puckology: I shit diamonds better than his nuts.
Imptastic: Don't worry about it Puck. LadyOverYou got it covered.
Imptastic: Hey LadyOverYou, I know some other rooms that are vulnerable to Iron.
Imptastic: Want them?
LadyOverYou: Yea. Send me the list.
Imptastic: Suck my dick first.
Puckology: ROFLCOPTER
System Message: SeedOfDoubt is no longer idle.
SeedOfDoubt: Did someone say dick?
System Message: Imptastic has been silenced by LadyOverYou.
LadyOverYou: DO NOT DOUBT MY POWER!
SeedOfDoubt: Oh. Hey. "Iron Rule"? There's a human in here?
Puckology: ~points to LadyOverYou~
LadyOverYou: Since being nice won't work, I'll just have to beat you.
SeedOfDoubt: Uh, you sure about that?
SeedOfDoubt: I mean, these guys LIKE being beaten.
SeedOfDoubt: Especially VenusDickTrap.
SeedOfDoubt: Where is she, anyway?
Puckology: LOY silenced her.
SeedOfDoubt: Aww.

I look up from the screen, incredulous. “A public facing IRC server with known vulnerabilities?” He nods. “Come on, now, you guys are better than that.” He shakes his head, still laughing. I then realize the setup. “It’s a honeypot!” My host is sitting on the floor, now, weeping honey scented tears of laughter. “Oh fuck, it’s a honeypot, just to catch idiots like LadyOverYou!” Now I’m joining in the laughter.

He recovers and catches his breath long enough to explain. “We get these script kiddies all the time. They read some story and think they can rewrite the rules of interaction between our kinds. They assume because of the iron thing, we have no technology. For Mab’s sake, we’re the ones that gave humans the clues to advance their technology! The vision of the benzene ring? How Penicillium just happened to be present in that tray? But no, most humans think we’re pretty little porn dolls, getting high off pollen and existing just to make their world look pretty.” His face twists in a rare flash of anger.

“Wanna know a secret?” His bright composure returns. “Well, it’s not really a secret to folks like you. But I could scream it in LadyOverYou’s face all day and she’ll never hear it.” I tilted my head in curiosity. “Puck wrote the Iron exploiter. It’s a counter exploiter. When you use it, you’re really exposing your system to him! Any fae system that you can connect to, assume you are owned at once. And act accordingly.” I wasn’t surprised to hear it. I didn’t think anything that Puck had a hand in, didn’t have some sort of bear trap involved. I return my attention to the screen.

VenusDickTrap: What do you mean, you don't have any male servants?
VenusDickTrap: If they want a piece, they have to earn it!
LadyOverYou: We're more advanced than that.
Imptastic: What she means is no one wants a piece of her.
Puckology: +1 Imptastic
ImpatientBloom: Okay, LadyOverYou.
ImpatientBloom: First you come in this room throwing Iron everywhere.
ImpatientBloom: Now you're being nice.
ImpatientBloom: What gives?
LadyOverYou: Just checking you guys out.
LadyOverYou: Seeing which of you are worth keeping.
Imptastic: What I lack in height, I make up for in girth, baby.
VenusDickTrap: I think LOY has enough shit up her ass, Imp.
Puckology: LOL
ImpatientBloom: LOL
DreamSpoiler: Oh snap. LOL
BlindEye: Screened!
LadyOverYou: Venus is right.
LadyOverYou: You're shit-tastic, Imptastic.
Imptastic: How do you know what I look like, bitch?
VenusDickTrap: ~vindicated~
LadyOverYou: I own this room, remember?
LadyOverYou: I can see your direct IPs, not the proxies you hide behind.
LadyOverYou: And with that, I can scry you directly.
ImpatientBloom: Bullshit.
ImpatientBloom: Keep talking, I need fertilizer for my gardens.
BlindEye: Connecting to the server is one thing.
BlindEye: Scrying us directly, is another.
BlindEye: DreamSpoiler's loveliness will drive humans mad.
BlindEye: Start with it.
Imptastic: +1 BlindEye
Imptastic: An excellent idea.
Imptastic: What ever could go wrong?
Puckology: Guys.
Puckology: GUYS!
Puckology: Dear friends!
Puckology: Is this anyway to treat someone that has obviously demonstrated their power?
VenusDickTrap: Puck, have you been huffing pixie sticks again?
BlindEye: I spy, with my blind eye, Puck has been in the pansies again.
Puckology: No. Really.
Puckology: SRSLY!
Puckology: Seriously.
Puckology: Hear me out.
ImpatientBloom: Give Puck the stage!
SeedofDoubt: Again? Fine.
Puckology: LadyOverYou has lasted longer than most humans in here. There may be something to her claims of power.
ImpatientBloom: BULLSHIT!
Puckology: I'll drop the firewalls between me and LadyOverYou. I won't help her connect, but I'll be available for a connection.
Puckology: If she is able to withstand a direct connection, I'll cede to my better.
BlindEye: I'm saving a log of this chat. So when I have to report why Puck committed suicide, there will be proof of this madness.
BlindEye: I still say he's been in the pansies again.
LadyOverYou: I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER.
LadyOverYou: But I don't mind proving it one committed servant at a time.
LadyOverYou: Very well, then Puckology, you shall be first.
ImpatientBloom: Well?
VenusDickTrap: I've seen Puck. He's "purty".
VenusDickTrap: I agree with Imp, she should have scryed DreamSpoiler first.
Imptastic: She just picked Puck because like all humans, she values looks over performance.
VenusDickTrap: Still jealous, Imp?
Imptastic: Fuck you.
VenusDickTrap: I have many dicks in my collection, you can pick one to fuck me with.
SeedOfDoubt: LOL
SeedOfDoubt: I don't think any of those will fit on Imp.
VenusDickTrap: Maybe.
VenusDickTrap: Maybe not.
LadyOverYou: ahi;fhdlkja;;hdrkjaghrijkal;jkvldsvh
LadyOverYou: ARGH
LadyOverYou: FUCK!
Puckology: Awed by my good side, aren't ya.
Puckology: It's okay to admit it.
Puckology: I /am/ the pretty one, after all.
LadyOverYou: Fuck you! That's horrible and disgusting!
LadyOverYou: No wonder you let us think you're pretty little things!
LadyOverYou: Fuck everything about you and your fucked up kind!
Puckology: No, "Lady"... Fuck you.
System Message: Puckology has Tripped Light.
System Message: Puckology +mod
System Message: Puckology +ops
System Message: Puckology is now "Iron Rule" owner.
System Message: LadyOverYou -mod.
System Message: LadyOverYou -ops.
System Message: Puckology has changed the room title to "Not So Secret"
System Message: VenusDickTrap +mod
System Message: BlindEye +mod
System Message: BlindEye +ops
Puckology: Fantastic! Sha!
VenusDickTrap: It's on, bitch!
BlindEye: And the lies are swept away.
Puckology: LadyOverYou, from now on, every time you try to scry the fae, that is what you will see.
Puckology: You can scry from tender wisps,
Puckology: To the most ancient of sidhe.
Puckology: This is the gift I give to your Sight,
Puckology: Every where you look, goatse!
VenusDickTrap: Aww, shit, son.
VenusDickTrap: That's rough.
Imptastic: Eww.
Imptastic: Wait.
Imptastic: Human? Or ...
System Message: LadyOverYou has been kicked by Puckology.
System Message: LadyOverYou has been banned by Puckology.
Puckology: I don't give her a week before she claws her eyes out.
Puckology: And what's wrong with pansies?
Puckology: They mellow me out.
VenusDickTrap: They mellow out other things as well...

I try to hand the tablet back to my host. But I’m laughing too hard and can only lay it on the blanket. “He… ” Laughter. “No he didn’t!” My host nods as we both explode into laughter again. “Oh, fuck! That’s fucked! Shit!” He tries to pick up the tablet, but in his mirth, he stumbles and leans into me.

“Did she see the same names that I did?” He nods. “And the name ‘PUCK’ didn’t clue her in?” He shook his head. “Oh, what a dipshit!” He nods, and bubbles into more laughter. “May I save a copy? I wanna share this if I may!” He gestures with the tablet and nods.

I try to screenshot the tablet but it saves in a strange file format. “Oh, fuck. I’m Dreaming. I can’t save a physical copy.” I read the chatlog again, struggling to see through tears of laughter, trying to memorize as much as I could before Waking. “Well, so much for getting some sleep.” I hand the tablet back to him.

“Yea, but you feel better, don’t you? Was it worth waking you up to read this?” He looks at a glowing flower, slowly fading, marking the passage of time. “You still have time for another quick nap, if you like. Lie down.”

I comply, and relax into the embrace of the branches. He pulls the askewed blanket back over me.

“Yea, it was definitely worth being woken for. Thanks for the laugh, and thanks for hosting me in my sleep.”

“You’re welcome, Weaver. Good night.”

~~~

When I woke up, I was laughing. My daughter said I was chuckling in my sleep, and almost recorded me for future blackmail.

Make of that, what you may.