Dream Journal: 2016-06-02.01

[The divinity] stood/floated before me. [They] explained [themselves] clearly and succinctly. [They] said many words about [their] plans for the world at large but quickly made it personal to me.

“I want you. Completely.”

How easy it would be to yield and surrender. I knew from observing others who had willfully submitted to this divinity that promises would be kept and beloveds would be loved. All my doubt and second guesses would be settled. No more would I question my place in the universe, life, and everything, because once I allow [this divinity] to claim me, [they] would remake me, and all would be well.

I stood before the divinity, and firmly placed my hands on my hips.

“My name is [Rebellion], and I am starting to understand why.”

I’ll give this particular divinity credit. [They] never threatened, never angered, never threw a tantrum over my rejection. It’s like [they] knew I was going to say no from the beginning, and the only thing left to find out was in what manner was I going to do it.

I was shown scenes from my past where certain people did certain things that confused the hell out of me at the time, but now I understand it was because they were under the [the divinity’s] thrall. Two friendships were burned because the devotees didn’t understand my refusal to follow their master plan for my life. But looking back now, I could see the intersection of [this divinity’s] desire and their personal greed.

I didn’t blame [this divinity] for my former friends’ uncouth behavior. I, too, understand how a divine flame in one’s soul can blind the mind smothered under it, and how easy one can become a fanatic.

But reflections on the past aside, there is only [the divinity] and me. [They] have made an offer, and I have rejected it. [They] are reiterating [their] desires, almost pleading, and I am having sympathy for a heart that really could love all.

Too bad it’s not mine.

I gave a small formal bow. “I am not yours. I could never be yours. You remind me of [some other gods], but I know you are not them. You are glorious and powerful, mighty and capable of moving even the depths of the firmaments of earth and soul. But I am [Rebellion], and you are not my [divinity].”

[They] sighed. I doubt this is [their] final acceptance of my rejection. A love so intense it shames the sun with what it could never be. Desire, desire, and love. I saw echoes of Mary, even as I saw [they] could not be Mary.

I bowed again and excused myself from the regal (and imperial) presence. I’m sure I’ll see [them] again. I knew better than to question the timing of the apparition. I’m doubting everything lately. Of course something novel and new (to me) would be a welcome distraction, right?

At least I no longer doubt that certain thing. And that’s one more thing settled than there was this morning. I’ll take that.


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