There is a difference between remembering and reliving. The house taught that to me this morning. Benefé (aka Jack aka Head In Chest) would be there when I wake up in the morning. He would often hold my hand in comfort before I ran off for the day.
I remembered the experience vividly. But I did not relive it. The house echoed his warm smile as the very walls remembered his presence. But I was not trapped in the memory to relive it in pain.
I smiled at the memory. And knowing he hungered no more placed me at peace.
Sir Nathaniel still refuses to speak with me. But he had not left the confines of my room. He is not restrained here. He is free to go through the house as he wills, or even leave. But he has chosen to remain in this room away from the others.
He speaks to the other Regulars only when he has to, or when he feels there is information to broker my good will with. With Benefé gone, he has no one to talk to about the distorted memories he clings to. About the good times he pretends that he and Benefé shared.
He has nothing to distract him from the unpleasant memories that Benefé allowed him to ignore.
I’m prepared.
I also know that road too damn well.
In the matter of dreams, I have little to write. I dreamt I was playing a new video game, a RPG that was a cross of steampunk, cyberpunk, and fantasy. And pink. Lots of pink. But then again, I was still in the Flaming Newb zone. The video game immerses the player completely via a neural link.
I started off in a “no aggro” beginner zone. Pink ground. Pink clouds. Pink unicorns made of cotton candy with a peppermint horn introduced me to the game. They warned me that this was the safest area ever and if I leave I could never return. But why leave? There’s ~insert sappy children’s show theme music and Everything Happy here~ so why would you ever want to leave?
Only adults leave.
I asked my Unicorn Friend what happens to those that stay. “They never level up! They don’t have to. Nothing hurting comes here!”
In the distance I saw a menacing spire. The safely rounded unicorns tried to block my sight of it. “You don’t want to go there. You’re not high enough level yet.” Uh-huh.
A black unicorn approached me. Not short and round and safe like the others. This was a thin as a whisper, as black as hate, as silent as truth, and as dangerous as living. It stood over me by at least a foot, and it’s horn gleamed like polished silver.
“You know this is a game.” It spoke in low but clear tones. I nodded. “You can choose to make whatever life you want.” I nodded again. “Most people choose to make a safe life with little difficulty. Just enough to make them feel important. But you’re different.” It lowered its horn so the tip was just a blink away from my eye. When I didn’t flinch it raised its head again. “Your path in this game waits for you. All you have to do, is leave safety. What your character becomes depends on your actions and your choices. I’ll be waiting.” It left.
The safe pink unicorns surrounded me at once. They told me to ignore the Dark One. To stay with them in safety. To not worry. To be free of the pains that my waking life brings.
“Take me to the exit.” They had no choice but to abide. As they escorted me, they reminded me that once I left their safe zone, I could never return. As just stepping outside the safe zone and discovering a new area was enough to level my character beyond beginner status.
I saw the exit. Beside the exit was a bench. Sitting on the bench was my father. I wondered why he was playing this game. Then I remembered the unicorns mentioning most people choose never to leave safety. My father took my inventory bag and started ransacking it for things he could no longer accrue for himself. I allowed him. I know those items will become useless outside of the safe zone.
He mocked me about ransacking my bag. That if I couldn’t hold him at bay, how could I hold the monsters outside the gate? If I allowed him to take everything, I would be willing prey to the others.
I laughed at my father. Reminded him that he chose to never grow up.
I stepped out of the exit. The forest grew dark. The safe pink cotton candy world dissolved behind me. I leveled up. I could never return.
I was on my own.
Before I could take a step in any direction, however, the black unicorn from before appeared before me. It pierced my heart with its long thin horn. I watched my blood seep along the horn’s length in stunned silence. It withdrew, and my chest healed at once.
“I’ve killed you for nothing. I’ve raised you for nothing. I’ve given you a boon, now you can walk as I do. Come. Let me introduce you to the real game.”
We walked into the shadows and I woke up.
…
Well, I guess I had more words than I thought.