The message I had sent earlier, but had completely blocked out of my memory, was returned to me this morning at my request. (Thank you!) A lot has happened since I had sent it. I had confronted uncomfortable truths about myself, and how I allowed myself to be chained in the first place.
The frame of the puzzle was in place. Time to start filling in the pieces.
The message was short, but very pointed. It unlocked two weeks of missing dreams at once, and the dam restraining the others now has a very prominent crack in the earthen wall.
I have reclaimed my throne.
Now I reclaim my power.
And it starts after the Svartalf triggered a fit. I woke up in my lair to find Snake Dancer and Raven-fledged sitting at the table. I could not shift my awareness to these two aspects of myself. I was confused, and naked.
They looked at each other and smiled in knowing smugness.
Snake Dancer tapped the table, drawing my attention to a strange bundle. “I believe, this is yours.”
I stood from the low pallet, allowing the layers of furs I slept under to fall away. Walking the few feet to the table in hesitant steps, I felt like I was walking upright for the first time in my life. Or for the first time after a long absence.
With Snake Dancer seated to my right, and Raven-fledged sitting to my left, I leaned on the granite table and pulled the furry bundle towards me. I started unrolling it to find it is the pelt of a large animal. The paws and skull were still in the hide, but it had been prepared well. The skull was altered to be a headdress. The front paws were altered to hold human hands within. The fur was a deep amber with spots the hue of rich earth. A jaguar.
My neck suddenly ached in remembered bruising. Where a collar and lock had rubbed against it. The memory made me afraid of the hide and I took a step back from the table, almost falling.
“Told you we weren’t ready.” Raven-fledged cast a down eye on me.
“We are. We just need to remember.” Snake Dancer remained resolute, watching me without judgement. “We have taken so much back, but now we need to take it all.”
The hide drew me. I could not look away from it for long. Here was a piece of me. I just have to take it. To claim it. To wear it and become it. I stepped forward and reached for the hide again. Where I touched it, the hide turned black.
As black as shadow.
As black as my forgotten memories.
As black as the darkness that enveloped me and whispered a word in my ear the first time I saw this hide.
The hide was the wrong color, because of the abuses it… I… suffered. I allowed it to be taken from me, and mounted on someone else’s wall as a trophy of the conquering of my body. Of the enslavement of my flesh and my pleasure. To see the hide as it should be reminds me of that, and of my willing surrender because I was afraid of what I was becoming.
My rage was written on my face clearly. “I dunno… we have a wicked temper… and the memories are stoking it.” Raven-Fledged was concerned.
“Our rage is justified. We were manipulated to be afraid of ourself, our sexuality, our power, and our independence. You’ve worked through that part of your aspect. I’ve worked through mine. We need to work through all of us.” Snake Dancer was sitting unaffected and patient. She closed her eyes without fear.
“It has no name, yet. But you know what it is.” Snake Dancer addressed me with her eyes closed. “You are afraid to claim it, because you are not of that culture and don’t want to be another plastic shaman claiming things that are not your due. Yet, you claim me. And Raven. This too, is you. You, who are nothing. You, who can become nearly anything. Name it. Tell us what you are.”
So many memories swirled through me. So many emotions burned in my heart. Yes. I remember. I remember when this was first poured over me. I had rejected it then, because I am not of the culture that used that language. But I can’t avoid it now. I can’t deny this part of me any longer simply because I was born in the wrong bloodline. I need to be true to myself. I need no one else’s recognition. I need to be true to myself.
I pulled the hide off the table and fit it over me. The hide turned to shades of shadowed earth and darkness.
“I am Nagual.”
Not Who… What.
That wording is intentional. This isn’t the end, this is a beginning. I have a lot to learn, a lot to relearn, and a lot of bullshit to replace.
Yes, I know what the word nagual means. That’s why Snake Dancer asked her/me what she/I am instead of who.
The Who is beginning to be uncovered, and it will take time.
But now that I know/remember the What, it can begin.