Some folks have expressed curiosity about “Bricks”. That line about Persia seemed awfully specific, they said. That wasn’t a random person slamming me into the wall, they said. Do I need backup, they asked.
Yes, the Persia line refers to a very specific [thing]. No, that wasn’t a random person slamming me into the wall. No, I don’t need backup.
I am 75% sure, that was Squeaky’s doing. I dared him to make me cry after he threatened to use my fears against me. After calling him out for using the appearance he did, and the underlying current of his threat, when I look back on that, it fits his style. He (and his brethren) are not the type to leave a gauntlet on the floor. “Bricks” was all about fear and anger cut loose. Even the scent of the air was adding to the very thick and smothering emotion of the scene.
But I am not completely confidant the scene was merely contrived.
I’ve thought about what happened from his point of view. How my sudden throwing of alligator filled moats and very public denial could be taken as a very public betrayal. About the depths of his emotions for me, and how that drove him to make the decisions he did.
I’ve thought about the mutual errors, woundings, and missteps for a long time.
And I can’t shake the idea that I deserved that beatdown. That he would be justified because I broke an oath that was sealed with our bodies. That the anger that powered each bone-grinding slam was righteous and lawful.
And I’m admitting this in public, instead of nursing these conflicting emotions in private, because this shit needs to be exposed to the light. This is the sentiment that keeps people trapped in abusive relationships. “I deserved the punishment because I hurt him.”
And then my Shadow takes my hand and lays it on a scar on her chest. Where the flesh has healed, but the fur may not ever grow back. Where a heavy lock rubbed against it as she struggled to break her captivity.
I will admit to being confused by the scene. To being filled with doubt. To being afraid still, that he may decide to take advantage of my physical weaknesses.
But I walked away from that scene then.
And I’ll walk away from my doubts now.
Because the path I have stepped on has no space for me to double back.
Because I will not be chained again.
I am my own.