Grumpy Bitch Mode: Activated
Dreamed I was scrolling through Tumblr. Again. Usually when I catch myself dreaming of Tumblr I abort the dream. Y’all nice to interact with (sometimes) and shit, but I don’t live here. Dreaming of Tumblr usually means I’m concerned about how you guys perceive me trivial shit that for the sake of my mental health, I have no business dwelling on once I close the browser.
Dream Abort Sequence: Fail
Dream Shift Sequence | Load Different Website: Fail
Full Lucid Mode: Fail
Da fuq?
I’m stuck.
Okay. ~resumes scrolling through Tumblr~ So there’s a few (dozen) reblogs from why Keri is not going to wiki her dreams where commenters agreed about the time required, and the problems when the first contradictions are found. The necessity to take each dream as a stand alone event, even though certain characters are obviously progressing from dream to dream, and the impact on me can be measured from day to day.
What was not agreed by the commenters (I had no part of this discussion.) was what to do about the contradictions. Some agreed that they would have to remain intact, that trying to resolve them would be trouble because there is no telling from their point of view which “errors” were intentional blinds, and which were the natural by-product of dreaming. The only one that can pronounce judgement on those is me, and I wasn’t saying shit.
Which led to a whole other argument and split off reblog chains. There was the camp that acknowledged my dream diaries are the public portion of my record of magic, the public version of my personal grimoire if you will. They noted that I keep a fairly good mental record of my written dreams and that I was already fully cognizant of which errors were mere dreaming and which errors were intentional blinds. The errors then, should not be reconciled but kept intact in the wiki as an exercise in futility for the Harners of the Internet.
They were countered by those that felt the errors would be harmful to the neophytes and to those that were beginning to walk out their own paths. What if one of my intentional errors caused someone else to go mad? (I dropped my tea when I read this argument.) What if, by following the actions detailed in one of my dreams, a traveler wound up losing their mind completely to the point of requiring hospitalization? We hold scientific journals to a standard of reproducibility, my etheric encounters should be held to the same level.
This went back and forth without a single ask being dropped in my inbox. Which I think was the most important part of this exchange. To those arguing, never mind which stance they took on the wiki, I had become communal property. I did not have a voice in this exchange. Both sides were claiming to be representing me and voicing my True Thoughts on the matter. But neither side contacted me to ask what to do. The wiki they were arguing over wasn’t even my creation. A reader started the wiki without my involvement. I didn’t even have an editor account with it. As far as the arguers were concerned, my dreams were public, therefore the public has the right to do with my words as they wish.
And y’all wonder why I tell you flat out that I lie.
But this isn’t what pissed me off.
My queue is currently stuffed to 90 posts. Set up to fire off every 2 hours, it will reblog some text or image that I felt worth reblogging to you guys. Because I stuffed it so much, I don’t know what is going to show up when and it has turned into an oracle of sorts. Queuemancy. Always here to Shut Your Shit Down.
I’ve tried to TinEye unsourced images. Some posts, I’ve skipped the reblog chain and went back to the OP for the context and comments that were stripped out later in the chain. Some I’ve had to chase down because the image was used as malware click bait. But when I’m queueing at Too Damn Late at night, I get lazy. I don’t dig far enough to find a source. If one of y’all find the source before I do, I go back and edit my post.
In the dream, my queue fired off. A four-pane image that I have not physically seen on Tumblr, but would sure as hell be of interest to y’all woo-woo types. I sipped my tea and tried to remember where I saw that image first. I noted the image panes twisted and turned as I viewed them, reminding me that I was still dreaming. I noted the image was neutral, almost friendly to me. As if there was an entity in the image that could interact with anyone that viewed the image, in any medium the image was produced.
I greeted the entity. The fourth pane showed a waving hand. I told it that I had reblogged it on my Tumblr, and that it might meet some juju-friendly folks. But that I also had some assholes following me, so treat each person on their own merits. The fourth pane showed a thumb’s up fist, then a hand in the “okay” position.
The fourth pane suddenly showed a question mark. I understood it to mean “What do you want to see?”. I told it that I had no pressing need for certain images, and for it to just show what it wants to show. I’m only the viewer. I can’t see what it doesn’t want to show me.
All the panes turned black. Then gray. Then a gradient of gray and white. Then slowly, the image showed a snowing field. It was very calming to watch. Very relaxing after reading all the fighting over who was the Authority over my dreams. I thanked the entity.
As the entity started shifting the scene from winter forest to what I think would have been a sunny tropical beach, I saw it had been reblogged. The panes suddenly went black with the fourth pane showing a bold red exclamation point. “Warning!”
The reblogger had written several paragraphs to take a flaming shit on my head for not using TinEye to properly source the image. He claimed to be the original artist of the image and made several threats against me for “stealing” his image.
“But… this is a magic image.” I didn’t realize I was talking to the screen. “You see what you want to see, or if you don’t try to control it, what the image wants you to see. Right?” The fourth pane showed a thumb’s up fist again.
“So, this ass, wanted to see his image that he posted, and that’s what you showed him, right?” Another thumb’s up fist. “Did you show him anything else?” Through a series of symbolic images, the entity told me that the reblogger didn’t want to see anything else. That every time the entity changed the image, the reblogger would either turn away or force his personal image to return.
“Well. Fuck. There’s nothing I can do about him, I’m sorry.” The fourth pane showed a laughing face, then a hand in a ‘pay attention’ posture. The panes then showed, in a comic book style, the entity changing all the images on the reblogger’s screen to black. “Oh. I get it. You can’t be controlled. You can show what I want you to show, but if you don’t want to, I can’t force you!” Another thumb’s up gesture.
My inbox dinged. It was the reblogger demanding to know what I did with his image. Demanding to know how did I hack his computer. Threatening me with lawsuits, and having my account shut down, and pissing on my carpet, and other examples of verbal temper tantrums. I took screenshots of them all, posted them, and wiped my hands of it.
The entity in the image gave me a thumb’s up gesture again. It changed to a field of wild flowers, with bees buzzing about. I sat back with my tea and enjoyed the subtly changing view.
But I was still pissed.
It took me a while to understand why.
I try so hard to do things right, and it feels like no one notices. But when I slip up, then everyone is watching, and everyone is down my throat in thorned stilettos. It wasn’t just the guy not realizing the nature of the image, it was that he didn’t call me out on all the other times I let an image slip by unsourced until he thought it was his. It was the way the people arguing over the wiki of my dreams demanded I correct the errors to suit them. The way they demanded they have complete and total access to the redacted portions “for the sake of continuity”.
It was the way I am constantly being pressured to conform to someone’s ideal, never mind the personal price I would have to pay.
It was the way I am constantly being told to “think of the $demographic” as if I owe $demographic anything.
It was the way certain online communities will be quick to claim me if they thought I had something for them to leech claim for themselves, but the moment I speak an independent thought I am quickly denounced as being an nonredeemable outsider full of useless bullshit.
It was the way I am constantly being asked to Fully Support $PersonA, and by doing so, Fully Denounce $PersonB, because you can’t be friends with both. That’s evil. And shit. How dare I treat you both as flawed, imperfect, people.
It was the way that Friendship is defined as “Never calling your shit out.”, “Always agreeing with you even when you’re wrong.”, and “Sacrificing personal morals for the sake of the Alpha.”.
I realized all this as the entity continued showing me calming scenes. Suddenly the image changed to my face. Personally, my face was angry. But in the image, my face was crying. “Yes. I hurt”, I admitted. “I’m tired of fighting all the damn time. I’m tired of having to withhold myself lest I be used as a weapon. I’m tired of being seen in black and white. I’m not an icon in a profile, a number on a following list. And sometimes, especially on Tumblr, that’s how I feel.”
The image wiped the tears away and held up a mug of coffee and a clock. Time for me to wake up. I thanked the image, and wished it well on its travels and exploration of Tumblogs. It responded with another thumb’s up gesture.
The screen refreshed. The laptop was shutting down on its own accord. I heard my alarm go off, and I woke up.