I held my hand out to Snake. “You have my hat.”
Snake made a show of examining the formal cap. Smiling, he pulled a tarot card from inside it. The Hierophant card from the Thoth tarot deck. “And your key. Would you like them back?” He kept them away from me with no indication of voluntarily surrendering them.
I took a step closer to him, my hand still extended. “Would be nice. Hard to unlock a door without a key, and I like my hat thank you very much.”
He twirled my hat on his finger. “You can get both back when you can explain to me why the coffeehouse, the destruction of the world at your hands, and the rejection of your spirit after your death were all emanations of the Abyss.”
“Wut.”
“I do believe you posted on Twitter, that what you were expecting is dangerous, but not as dangerous as what you were not. And you’re not taking your own advice.”
“What am I missing?”
“Not what… who?”
“I’m not crossing the Abyss! It’s not my intention to reach Chokmah! To do that, I have to get past Asmodel, and I haven’t even reached Asmodel! … Besides, Choronzon is the Angel of Daath, and I’m not on one of the three paths that Daath sits on.”
“What if… What if Daath is the Abyss? What if that well-known map of the Tree of Life is intentionally drawn to infer Daath can only be encountered if certain paths are taken. What if this is one of the main blinds of modern-day Qabalah and you have walked right into it, naive and trusting of all those asshole magicians that have come before.” He placed the hat and the tarot card on the table before me. “You are being played, and being played well. I just haven’t figured out by who and for what end. Yes, you should answer Asmodel’s summons. But you shouldn’t give yourself up entirely to do so.”
“Why would Choronzon block me?”
“You are not being blocked, Weaver. You are being refined.”
“You’re confusing me, Snake. You infer that I’m being used, then encourage me to return to the field of play. You infer that I am in danger, then encourage me to return to the gibbet.”
“You are. You should. You are. And you should. But you should with open eyes and full awareness. Why was the coffeehouse an accurate representation of the Abyss? Comfort, then destruction, then rejection. You were ready for the latter two, but the coffeehouse almost swallowed you up entirely. Why?”
I was almost fully dressed. I only needed the hat and the card. I felt Snake was right, but I didn’t understand why. If I attempted to make my way to Asmodel with all this doubt in me, I’ll never make it out of the first test. He’s right. The coffeehouse almost sealed me. Even though the map showed me I was dreaming, I still didn’t realize where I was for some time after.
“If I crossed the Abyss when Sekhmet destroyed the raiders, why wasn’t I challenged then? Why was I allowed to come to the edge of the ridge?”
“You were challenged. According to the fullness of your knowledge and understanding at that time. You just didn’t recognize it as a challenge, and you still don’t if you’re asking that question now. You’ve learned a few things since then, things that would make that challenge impotent.”
I sat down at the table. “Then what do you suggest?”
“That you remember that Psychology final.”
I wrinkled my face. That class was one of the few where the usual cliques and frenemies dissolved. For a week straight, all 38 of us sat at the same tables, passing around each others notes in hopes of learning something that had escaped us before. We taught each other the entire semester of classes in five days. Our professor had an interesting grading system. Whatever was the lowest grade on the final, would be everyone’s grade in that class. The only way to ensure a good grade was to teach the unteachable. Two people dropped out of the class immediately than risk being the lowest grade. It was a very hard and stressful week.
“Snake. I love you dearly. But I’m going to tie your serpentine ass into so many knots, it will take Alexander to undo you.” Snake only smiled and sipped a watermelon smoothie. “You know damn well how that final went!”
We entered the classroom of Doom the following Monday. Our test paper was already on the desks, face down. We whispered last second information to the least of our classmates. They looked haggard, knowing they would be the arbiter of our grades. The door was closed. The call was sounded. The papers were turned over.
We read the question and sat in shock. Many of us started laughing. Some of us cried. I was one of those crying.
The final had one question. “What is your name as recorded on your student identification card?”
“I know you prepared for the worst, and because of that, for five minutes you could not remember how to spell your name. I know you laugh about it now, but that five minutes was one of the most harrowing times in your life. You have been confronted with many of your fears, and failures by the Abyss already. You are cocksure of yourself, and feel triumphant at having faced these tests even though you have failed some of them. You are ready to face the worst of your soul, the depths of your malice, and the ugliness that you keep carefully hidden. You think you can face the worst the Abyss has to throw at you. You are mistaken.”
“Snake. Why are you testing me?”
He stands up and picks up the hat and card. He tucks the card in my coat pocket and places the hat on my head. “I’m ready when you are.”
I remove the hat. “I’m not. Not now. Not after all you’ve said. Why the fuck did you have to mention Choronzon, eh? Now I’m scared and confused and turned around. You won’t say it, so I will! You think Choronzon is the figure blocking my way! In filling his bowl, I’m placing myself under his power. God dammit Snake, I have enough self-doubt and crippling paranoia to deal with on a good damn day and now you throw this at my feet! FUCK!”
“If you didn’t consider it, you would be amiss.”
“I’ve been considering it from the first moment I met him. The colors, Snake. The black of his robes, the black of his throne, and the black of the rod and bowl exactly match the black of the bridge. And the red matches human blood. Doesn’t take much to connect the symbolism there.”
“You’re all dressed up. Are you going to try anyway?”
“No. I’m going to hide under the pelts and try not to whimper from fright. Might as well work this fear out tonight so tomorrow when I try, I’ll have all this behind me.”
And I did.