We rescued Carmina from her former Order, broke the enchantments they had placed on her, got the Fire Unicorn’s private bath fixed and running, kept peace between the two rival mob bosses and even got them pledging protection, got the feud between the Panes Lord (who is neither a pan nor a satyr, but he’s stuck in this role for now) and his on-off girlfriend the Necromancer Queen settled so now they’re all Gomez/Morticia on each other again, made the attempted invasion by the Order look like part of a new audience participation act that is capped by Carmina taking the stage and singing an enchanted solo that made all forces hostile to the inn/theater/sanctuary flee in complete terror, and utterly terrorize the Fucking New Guy when she sees me in my “true form” which was necessary to pull the remaining enchantments off of Carmina and to provide Carmina with the strength necessary to sing out that solo because she had been severely weakened by all the bullshit.
*takes breath*
The FNG asks me if I need to feed on minds. I tell her no, because most minds are quite filthy and leaves a horrid aftertaste. She doesn’t get it at first, but when she does her relief and laughter banishes the tension. She asks should she ever be afraid of my “true form”. “Only if I catch you slacking on your job by doing things other than your job while on the clock. Like asking obvious questions. Like now.” She suddenly decided that busing tables is the best thing in life, ever.
The two mob bosses are hopelessly infatuated with Carmina. Carmina wants nothing to do with either one of them and only has eyes for the Panes Lord. The Panes Lord would rather be anywhere else but in the sanctuary but he’s in terrible love with the Necromancer Queen. The Necromancer Queen tolerates the Panes Lord because his dick is Just That Good, but she would rather bed me. And she can’t keep her hands off my ass. Someone is fondling my buttocks? It’s her. No one else would dare. No one else would survive the action. Only a peace compact keeps me from going full on. She knows she’s not entitled to touch any place else on me. But my ass is fair game, and is abused quite unfairly.
I’m not having any of this shit. I’m just the… er… um… I’m just another entity passing through Sanctuary and have no influence nor power here. That’s the official statement given by any poor soul that is willing to be seen as management. Yea. That’s it. Just passing through. Helping out as I go.
A staff member runs up to me. “The steam pipes have gone cold! We’ve lost the heaters and the generator!” Goddammit! We just fixed the Fire Unicorn’s bath! (He gets to watch the show and ogle the pretty girls that visit him to wish on him from the safety of an enchanted bath that allows the water to absorb insane amounts of heat without boiling. This lowers his temperature so his head can be touched without burning. We pump the superheated water to other heat engines to power nearly the entire complex.)
The Nec’Queen takes advantage of the situation with both hands in silly delight. I’m actually glad. I need the subtle distraction. I nod at the staff member to continue.
“Seems some middle-age-crisis lady jumped into the bath to get close to the unicorn. She instantly died. But innards at that temperature…” The pipes are fouled with her stewed remains. Fuck.
The more expletives I uttered, the more the Nec’Queen squeezed. “Is the Goblin retinue still here? Tell them we have a delicacy for them, if they’re willing to help us extract it. Who the hell allowed public access to the unicorn without the safety pool in place? I call dibs on their skull! Someone put a guard on Carmina! I wouldn’t put it past the Order to sac one of their own to get another try at her! And for fuck’s sake you horny bitch, get the fuck off my ass!”
I won’t repeat what she said here. I only threatened to make her wish come true one day, but in the Panes Lord’s favor.
As the Panes Lord stepped up behind her to distract her from distracting me, I slipped into a shadow form to get to the Fire Unicorn’s baths faster. I don’t even work here! I’m not staff nor management! Why everyone listens to me as if I were, I have no god damn idea. I’m only here to help out a friend, whom I have not seen neither hide nor hair of yet. He owes me. He owes me something fierce.
Ah. The goblins have already taken apart the pipes and are eagerly cleaning out the cooked scraps of flesh. They are not offended in being abused like this. This is a treat. The Fire Unicorn is in the emergency tank and looking very sad. He’s a perv and a bastard, but avoidable deaths really get to him. He keeps forgetting how desperate humans can be, especially when faced with an abandoned dream.
“She only wanted to hold me, like she was promised, as a little girl.”
“That’s what the safety pool is for. Few humans know how many types of unicorns there are. And every human child is promised safe monsters to cuddle. She probably thought you were cool like moonlight. Did you let her in?”
“Of course not! I heard the hatch open and there she was!”
“Did you eat her eyes?”
“… Yea.”
“Okay. Need a hug?”
“Yes, please?”
I changed into my flame form and entered the tank, closing it behind me. He rested his head on my shoulder while I gripped him right around the neck. When I started to leave, he asked for a handjob and threw a minor temper tantrum when I refused.
This place is full of Divas! My friend owes me, and I’m going to collect!
…
Spoiler alert: I never did get to collect.