After being led on a very merry chase through the woods (read: so much fucking shit I felt like a greyhound chasing a mechanical rabbit) I finally catch the sun’s reflection off the golden hindquarters of the buck I was supposed to be bringing down with my bare hands.
I had seen it many times before, but in shade, not in direct sunlight.
At the very first sparkle of sunlight off the resplendent and enticing hind, I came to a full stop. From that brief glance, I knew who I was chasing, and I knew the inevitable outcome of the game.
“GOD DAMMIT, HERMES! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU DOWN, YOU GOLD ASS [never you mind]!”
I was so pissed I turned my anger on the nearest tree. With his human laughter as an increasing soundtrack, I snapped the meter thick trunk and ripped it apart until I was covered in red sapped detritus. Leaves rained gently around me. No piece of wood was larger than my hand. I punched the remains of the trunk until the roots under the ground snapped. When I stood up after venting my fury, Hermes was standing behind me.
I collected myself (because I do know my limits) and turned to face him, bowing slightly in respect.
“And you said you would make a poor maenad. You’re not even inebriated. That was raw rage.” Mostly naked except for his petasus, his winged sandals, and a leather thong tied loosely around his hips, Hermes was youthful and sparkling gold from toenail to teasing curl. His caduceus stood slightly taller than him, and the snakes continually coiled around it. “Raw, directed rage.”
“Hermes. Trickster.” I bowed again, remembering his other countenances. No matter how lovely and beautiful he was appearing to me now, I knew better than to mistake that loveliness for gentleness. “I have failed. I could not catch the Golden Hind. For one thing, I have been deceived! You are certainly not Artemis’ Golden Hind. And yet, in my deception, I have been kept safe. Well, at least I’m not on Artemis’ bad side for it.”
Hermes laughed. “You weren’t deceived. You were merely a fool. You were chasing the proper Golden Hind, alright, but overlooking the language used.”
When I realized the intentional pun in the English we were speaking, I covered my face in embarrassment. His laughter turned me redder than the sticky tree sap that still covered my mostly naked body. I bowed deeply and spread my hands in surrender. Finally, I was able to laugh at the circumstance.
“Your chase was true. You almost touched me a few times. And when you realized the ultimate fate of the chase, you stopped before bringing harm to yourself. Here too, is wisdom. You say you failed in your task, but to me, you succeeded. Receive then, the trophy that is yours. Stand.”
I stood fully. Hermes lowered the winged tip of his caduceus and touched my lips with it. My mouth involuntarily opened, and both snakes darted between agape lips and bit me on both sides of my tongue. I chirped in surprise sparking another sharp laugh from him.
He patted me on the head, winked, said to give his regards to [that other troublemaker] and roughly shoved me out of the dream.
Yes, I know the Golden Hind is a doe, and when the chase first started, I thought my target to be an antlered doe. But after getting too good a view of the target’s pendulous dingly danglies, I knew I was chasing a buck instead.
Still didn’t realize just which ass (Get it? Hind?) I was chasing until the sunlight gave it away. Let’s just say no one sparkles like Gaston Hermes, mmkay? Mmkay.