(Background: The Salt Flats is an otherworld place where I confront the personifications of my emotions. Originally meant by Fear and Doubt to be my prison, once I understood the projections there, I took control as well as the advantage. When I realized I was experiencing anxiety without a conscious cause, I summoned my personal embodiment of Anxiety to the Salt Flats. I didn’t think the loss of a rarely used tarot deck would cause such trouble.)
Anxiety: We’re down a deck.
Me: It’s okay, it was rarely used and long ago fulfilled the need for purchasing.
Anxiety: But we’re down a deck.
Me: But look at what I’ve acquired lately! The Sweeney is more than capable of taking up the slack.
Anxiety: The Sweeney is not a Marseille. We have a gap.
Me: No. You have a gap. I’m just fine with the loss. The Convos wasn’t a rare collector’s item, wasn’t a gift, and wasn’t requested by clients. There is zero pressing need to replace it when the other decks are still very much in play.
Anxiety: But now we don’t have a Marseille deck. What if someone asks for one in a reading?
Me: “What if”? I wondered when you would use that dagger. How can someone ask for what isn’t offered?
Anxiety: ~deadpan look and drums table~
Me: Okay, okay, people are entitled assholes, I get it. But if I’m not offering it, I’m not under obligation to provide it. If someone actually asks then I’ll just apologize and list the decks available. Again. Then bitch on Tumblr.
Anxiety: But…
Me: No! No buts, no what ifs, no could bes! Why the hell are you yammering about something easily replaced and rarely used now?
Anxiety: We had a collection of keystone decks. One Waite-Smith, one Thoth, and one Marseille. They represented the mainstreaming of Tarot with Waite’s deck, the return to the esoteric with Crowley’s Thoth, and the Convos was both a reflection into Tarot history while at the same time being a black mirror for our scrying. No Marseille means we have a gap and a lost link.
Me: You know if Logic were to eavesdrop, she’ll tear your argument about Crowley representing a return to esoteric use to itty bitty shreds.
Anxiety: Logic doesn’t talk much with me.
Me: ~drily~ Can’t imagine why.
Anxiety: Point is, we had a thing, and now it’s gone. We had a set, and now it’s broken. Our toolset is missing pieces. How can we do our job with missing pieces?
Me: Finally. The pea under the mattresses. It’s not what the deck represents to the higher functions. (So calling bullshit on that reasoning, by the way.) It’s the fear of being incomplete, of being unsuitable and found wanting. So used to the idea that I have to live up to someone else’s expectations of what a right and proper tarot reader should be. That’s why you called them keystone decks. The Sweeney, the Bosch, the Fey, and the Legacy of the Divine are all boutique decks to you. They have niches where they excel but they are specialized tools to you. To me. The Waite-Smith, the Thoth, and a Marseille deck are all-purpose tools, with application for all questions. Clunky at times, but usable. And that’s what is making you nervous. The rasp is missing from the toolbox, and even though it was rarely used, it is still a key component and should be replaced.
Anxiety: … Yes. Please.
Me: If you can get the Accountant to sign off on a request for acquisition, I’ll see what I can do. But I’ve ordered so many divination tools in the past quarter, she’s probably not going to authorize anything until July.
Anxiety: But you’ll look, right?
Me: Will gladly window shop. But no purchases until the budget allows.
Anxiety: I can deal with that. There is a plan in place. ~leaves the Salt Flats
Me: … You can come out now, Logic and Reason.
Reason: Nice handling there. I like that plan. Time will make the anxiety lessen.
Logic: She can’t possibly be serious! A return to fucking esoterica? Where the hell did she… did you pull that from? God fucking dammit, I’ve farted better hallucinations than that! And tarot was mainstream in Europe before Waite decided to…
Me: Slow the fuck down, Logic. You know how Anxiety likes to retcon shit to justify her actions. I just need to know your opinion on the core of the anxiety. Is having a Marseille deck really that important to the role of Tarot Reader?
Logic: Well…
Reason: How many explicit requests for a Marseille deck have you had? Of those, how many turned away when denied? Is having one for decoration or for actual use? If for actual use, will you make random three card pulls like you do for the Sweeney and Bosch. Also there is the question of which system you will use with it. You can’t use Waite’s or Crowley’s in good faith. That means the purchase of books and more homework. Do you have time for that or will that add to the distractions keeping you away from Book 4?
Me: … Ouch.
Logic: Damn Reason, you’re on a roll tonight. That’s hot.
Me: Right. Then. ~deep breath~ Main point being not allowing Anxiety to dominate my thoughts over something that had so little impact. Not giving her another club to hammer me with. ~side eyes Reason~ Any further comments?
Logic: Nothing from me. For now.
Reason: Keep the points I raised in mind. If you spy a Marseille deck on sale, Anxiety is going to want to jump at it.
Me: Noted. Thank you for manifesting. Let each go to their own.
~all exeunt~