Me: “What.”
[Redacted]: ~full of mirth~ “Nothing.”
Me: “Bullshit.”
X: ~shakes head while chuckling~
Me: ~getting aggressively angry~ “What, god damn it! I’m not in the fucking mood for fucking games!”
X: ~holds up two tarot cards for me to see “Then why do you let yourself be played so easily?”
Me: ~notes which cards they are and forces herself to calm down~ “She wasn’t being malicious. Her response was in play and in line with her previous responses before. It was supposed to make me laugh with a “Well Duh” and open up with a snarky rejoinder. She had no idea I was already on the edge of the Pit.”
X: “And now?”
Me: “How do I always feel when I’ve crawled out. Dirty. Ashamed. Embarrassed that I interpreted a friendly gesture so badly. Afraid I’ve done something in the Darkness and burned bridges or worse, burned a friend. Resolved to keep everyone at arm’s length to keep them safe from me. And tired. Very tired.”
X: “Still think it’s all madness?”
Me: “No. That’s what cut short the drowning this time. It’s not all in my head. There’s crumbs of third party verification. While most of them can be explained away as coincidence, or the unconscious manipulation of an eagerly receptive person, there are enough unresolvable moments that only answer neatly when the appropriate juju is add to the equation. That proof was the lifeline I climbed out the Pit with. It’s 99.99% madness. But that one hundredth of a percent is enough to change the world. So. No. I’m riding this one out. I’ll punch a new taint in whatever authorized my birth later.”
X: ~puts the Devil back in kir deck without speaking~
Me: “You can put that other card back, too.”
X: “But [she] verified…”
Me: ~growls~
X: ~laughs~
Me: “Surprised you didn’t pull the Moon out. Lunacy, self-deception, altered vision and such.”
X: “Your vision and charity is sharpest when you first crawl out the Pit. You left the Moon behind last night. But you still wear anger and rage as a first defense even as it eats you. So. Devil.”
Me: “Then the Tower would have been better.”
X: “I’m using Waite’s cards. Not Crowley’s.”
Me: “5 of Wands, then. Fight for nothing else than to fight.”
X: “They fight each other, not themselves. Bad fit.”
Me: “I’m still filing a formal disagreement with [the first card]. If I was that, I wouldn’t have fallen into the Pit.”
X: “If you weren’t [that], we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
Me: “… You do realize that card is mutable as fuck.”
X: “Tell me all your names, Weaver.”
Me: “Tell me again why I wanted to know this.”
X: “Because you’re too damn curious for your own good. Pandora.”
Ke dodged my immediate reply in the form of a thrown fire ball and teased me with laughter as kir form dissolved, depriving me of a firm target.
X: ~materializes behind me and grabs me snugly in a hug~ “Time for coffee.” ~wrenches me off my feet and throws me out the dream~
Coffee would be good right now.