I didn’t even bother to count the number of times I fell off the wish-thin cord that was the beginning of my Path of Cheth. I was upset that it was taking so long in Waking time, as the Path of Vau was completed in less than a week, and here I am going into a second month. But where the Path of Vau dealt with patience, obedience, and conformity, the Path of Cheth deals with fear.
It was surprisingly easy for me to conquer Fear of Failing. (Okay, yea, the asswhipping helped.) It was not surprising for me to be confronted by a Fear of Succeeding. It was painfully surprising for me to see so clearly how much I have been shanking myself with that fear. Even if I don’t make it across, what I have learned thus far will forever change me.
Once again I stood on the cliffs of Geburah. The commanders did not judge me for my innumerable failures. It was of no interest to them if I succeeded or not. Only that I try. Only that I do not surrender to failure. Once again the floss-thin cord stretched out from my feet into the enveloping darkness of the Abyss beyond. The cord that served as the hand grip hung uncomfortably above it.
I slipped down onto the shimmer and started to reach for the hand cord. I pulled back once I realized I had my balance and was standing solely on the cord. The hand cord only supports you if you are sure of yourself for the right reasons. But what was the right reason one hour was wrong the next. Support becomes betrayer and I fall.
What if…
What if that hand cord is a trap of the Abyss. Support is good, but over-dependence on a support can make you more weak than what prompted you to require that support in the first place. Having something in hand to boost my confidence is good. But developing a psychological dependence on that thing will cripple me when I don’t have it in hand.
The cord swayed gently under me. Unconsciously, I shifted my center of gravity to compensate, keeping me upright on the cord without using any handholds. I remained studying the hand cord with flaying severity. The more I regarded it as untrustworthy, the thicker and more substantial it appeared.
The cord suddenly jerked. I thrust my arms out in instinct and noted my wings extended as well. Technically useless because there is no atmosphere to push against, they served to stabilize my center of gravity instead. The hand cord was the thickness of a broom’s shaft. Just right for seizing and holding on to. But I didn’t need it anymore.
I have all I need. I had it all this time but was afraid to accept it.
The appearance of Weaver’s wings signified my confidence in myself. Pass or fail, it was now completely up to me. Not an irregular grasp of confidence. Not a retracing of other people’s journeys. Not hoping I would avoid their traps while falling into my own. There is the cord. There is me. Begin.
The cliffs of Geburah faded sooner than expected. I never turned back to see, but only noted that for a while I could hear my movements reflected behind me, and suddenly I couldn’t. The cord continued to stretch on into darkness. I ignored what was before and after me, focusing only on placing one foot in front of the other while outstretched wings kept me delicately balanced between impossibility and imagination.
The sounds of my movements were suddenly reflected back to me. Something large was just beyond sight. A few sliding steps forward brought me in view of a massive granite wall. The cliff face was smooth as if polished, but I had no idea as to what. The foot cord ended at an arbitrary point in the cliff. I crossed the Abyss. (Right?) Now what do I do?
My hands found no imperfections on the granite to hold. The rock’s surface was the theoretical definition of vertical. In exploring the surface I almost lost my balance. My wings tilted me forward and I wound up hugging the rock. My foot slid off the cord and found a small lump to stub against.
Wincing at how the Abyss transmits pain so well, I looked down at the discovery. The lump was the end of a ledge that slowly increased as it moved sideways away from the cord. The ledge was strangely rounded, as if many feet had been there before me and had worn down the ledge as they skittered across it.
The ambient light increased and I was able to see further along the ledge. A few feet away, the ledge widens out so that a person is able to walk forward without difficulty. It raised slightly and I saw a narrow footpath up the cliff.
Too easy. My curiosity overruled my prudence and I tiptoed the few feet of gravity defiance until I was on the stable path. I heard a slight twinging noise behind me. The foot cord had disconnected from the granite cliff. Ah well. The only way out is through.
I followed the narrow path up along the cliff until it came to a natural cleft in the rock face. The path then turned inward between two menacing granite masses. I followed the path dutifully, looking all the while for markings left by those that came before. The path continued traveling up even as it turned strange corners and doubled back over itself as if following Escher’s lead.
The path came to a sudden end. A cool breeze wafted up the Abyss to tease my face. There was no means of continuing forward, and no markings to point where to look next. I turned around to walk back over where I had gone. Maybe I missed a niche.
Maybe I was in a niche, already. I bumped my knee on the rock that had quietly closed in behind me. I was now standing in a shallow nip in the granite cliff face. I moved my feet slightly as I investigated my exposed position. With each grain’s width of movement, the rock reclaimed the space yielded. I stopped with only a tiptoe’s grasp on the cliff.
The mountain was rejecting me. I will not find a passage up this way.
I understood this new challenge will not be overcome by passive methods. “I will remember this. I will remember this mountain and the challenge it presents.” I hoped my words took hold in my psyche.
I didn’t wait for the mountain to finish pushing me away. I folded my wings around me and allowed myself to fall backwards into the Abyss. It eagerly accepted my yielding of my position.
As the darkness dissolved my awareness I defiantly declared this was not a surrender. I will return.
Wordlessly the Abyss answered me. «[The Abyss] will be waiting.»