I spent the entire night sitting at a campfire that was more glowing embers than actual flame. Directly across from me was… me. A different me, but me just the same. She had long dreaded hair that was packed with mud. She was naked and covered in mud. The markings made by the mud kept changing. The meanings of them remained the same. She grinned with the glee a predator has upon spotting prey but before getting down to business. We both remained motionless during the long night.
She was waiting for me to realize something. I knew she wasn’t going to tell me outright. I was covered in all the markings of “civilization”. Factory made clothes. Socially acceptable bra under the professionally casual blouse. Boots to protect my feet from the dirt and all the mycelium in the dirt. Anti-bacterial clean hands. My face composed with business neutral posturing. The anti-thesis of her.
I wanted to be her.
I wanted to be what my upbringing has isolated from me.
I wanted to have that contact with the dirt (the ancient dirt) and the mud (that is flesh) and the lines (deeper than blood) that go back to before the beginning.
I am her.
I just don’t know how to realize that yet.
So she grins as an apex predator does when they know the prey is as good as dead even though neither has moved. It is the grin before the work begins. Before she tears me apart.
A coal collapses. The ashes hiss at the disturbance. In the sound I hear, “Let go”. I remember the last time I heard those words. Everything changed. I changed. I lost things that I am only now approaching again. If I let go, I might lose everything again. If I don’t, I will.
I unbutton my blouse. In the process, I look away.
She is on me.
Her sharp hand at my throat, squeezing as it pulls at my veins. Her mouth over mine, biting my lips even as she steals my breath.
I blink. My blouse is unbuttoned. I am kneeling at the embers. Across from me is… me. I check my throat. No wounds are present, just the memory of what didn’t happen. My lips are sore.
I’m confused.
She laughs.
The night goes on.