“I’m going to make an absolute fuck up of it, and you’re going to smell that in the first five words, and then you’re going to look it up later and see all the ways I’m wrong, and then you’re going to start unnecessary shit in my life, because you asked for my implementation of the thing which, sure as shit, is nothing related to the fucking directions as given in a language three cultures removed from me under the aegis of a god that I have negative reputation points with.”
The person across the table laughed in bright high-pitched notes that lacked any of the mockery I was expecting. When they recovered and spoke again, it was in a low bass that purred under the table. “Try, anyway. I already know how it’s supposed to be. But we both know how Supposed To Be and What Actually Happens are often two different things.”
There was something open and disarming about the cloaked and gloved figure. I still wasn’t sure if the person was human at all, but hey, this is a dream. So why the hell not.
“It starts with Nothing. Not the absence of things, that comes later. Not the intangible things, that also comes later. It starts with Nothing. And the whole of that Nothing was the One. Well, even that name is misleading, but I can’t explain this to someone who doesn’t know because I lack… things. But if you know, then you already know, and that’s what this is about, isn’t. Finding where I don’t know.”
Behind the veil, the person smiled. “Are you always this paranoid?”
“As of late, yes.” My severity chased away the lingering levity.
The smile faded a bit. “I already know what you don’t know. I’ve already seen what you never will. This is not about setting you up for mockery, or finding ways to brag about my abundance compared to your lack. I need to hear this from you, in your words, according to your understanding.”
I was thirsty and I needed something to stall with. In habit I reached for where a glass of water would have been. The dream responded, and my hand closed around a glass that was not there before.
Whose dream am I in? Mine? Or theirs?
“It starts with the purity of Nothing. In the first Moment, Nothing realized it was All and became One. I know I’m skipping things like the three layers of nothingness, but I’ve never had more than three sentences said to me about it. So… When the One became, it lost a bit in the becoming. To return to the Nothing, it has to shed the identity of being the One to again be the All. I could make an All or Nothing joke here, but that would be crass wouldn’t it.”
I sipped some water to hide my shame.
“The One examined itself, and that reflection became the Second. But reflections are not perfect copies, and the differences between the One (or the First, as I’ll say from here on) and the Second became the Third. The First regarded the Second and the Third, along with itself, as the foundation for all that would come later. This is the First Triad, which lies beyond physical and mental understanding, but can only be encountered in the spirit. I think. I know what the words mean to me, but I’ll be shit to try and explain them to someone that knows better.”
In the pause of taking a breath to speak, they laid a hand on mine. “Why do you always put yourself down?”
I could not hold my tongue as their touch compelled me. It’s their dream, then. Shit. “Because everyone else does. It’s a defensive action. People don’t ask me questions like that because they don’t know. They ask me questions like that so they can bully me with what they think they know. This shit has been written down and expounded in volumes over the centuries by folks that have made it their life’s purpose to understand. What kind of enlightenment are they really looking for in a half-breed mongrel that has no formal education on the subject, and only has stolen information of questionable quality and integrity herself? If I can scratch their self-important itch first up, they’ll have to show their ass to continue with their beratement, and they don’t want to do that, or they’ll be the one embarrassed in front of their peers for being a dick. Self-deprecation is a trap that I lay on the table. Assholes like to pick it up by the blade and then bitch about the self-inflicted wound. The sincerely curious will examine the handle. The benign will cover it and ignore its presence. … May I continue?”
They lifted their hand. “Please.”
“The First Triad, which is not the same as the First, but was derived from the First, considered itself. And from that reflection came the Second Triad in the same way the Second came from the First. But the Second Triad was not a perfect reflection of the First Triad, and the Third Triad came as the differences between the first and the second. But as the triads came to be, they came with their own individual members. The First was reflected into the Sixth, and the differences between them became the Ninth. The Second was reflected into the Fourth, and the differences between them became the Seventh. The Third was reflected into the Fifth, and the differences between them became the Eighth. Each reflection was less pure than what it was reflected from, and each difference was less pure than the reflection it wasn’t. And that’s how the first nine sephiras are derived. According to my shit…”
They raised their hand, and my voice ceased. “I will not listen to you abuse yourself. I did not come here for that.” I was angered and relieved at once, and ashamed that I couldn’t decide which emotion was more true.
“So… the tenth sephira?”
“I’m getting to that. The First Triad is beyond spirit, beyond thought. And that’s still wrong. … It’s… not comprehensible to anything holding on to the physical.” What I wanted to say is that it is a castle floating above a mountain top, but what a strange connection to make. “The Second Triad is the energies of the First Triad slowed down some, things are starting to precipitate out of the ether of nothingness. This is a spiritual realm. The Third Triad is the precipitate of the spiritual. It is a realm of the mind, and the fallacies of intellectualism that go with it. But it is not physical. Not yet. The Tenth is the ultimate crystallization of the energies first expended by the One when it realized itself. The Tenth is the physical world, and all the mixed up matter contained. And it is where I’m starting from.”
They interlaced their fingers and I caught myself bracing for another controlling act that did not come. “So, how do you get back to the One?”
“Um.” Good question. “Seek it.”
“But, how?”
“I’m not a…” Their finger twitched. I reconsidered my wording. “I can only tell you what I’ve done. Decide to want the truth, and then start trying to reach it. Discard anything that would tie you down, or prevent you from striving. Eat well, sleep well, tend to the physical body that you are in. Have fun sometimes. Smile. Find how the One expresses itself in others, and avoid those that would try to smother that. There will be many false starts. There will be many roads that turn into dead ends, or worse, give way and throw you down below where you started. I don’t think you can ever truly reach the One as long as you have a physical body. There’s a part of us caught in this muddy matrix, after all. But, do the best you can now, so when you leave it, you’ll be closer than where you started.”
“And are you closer?”
“I’d like to think so. I’ve somehow improved myself along the way, which I will take as proof of progress.”
“And are you happy with that?”
“No. I want to change more things about myself. I want to… I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Fair enough.”
“And did you get what you wanted?”
“I did. Everyone’s map is different. The map that you stole is not the same map you are using now. You have annotated and improved yours by your experiences. You have found routes that are open only to you. And while those that have the book knowledge may attempt to degredate you and your experiences because it does not conform to their expectations, you, as you have said, have still made progress that defies their condemnations. Don’t forget that. Thank you for sitting with me. I have learned more than you realize. Good day.”
The person, instead of getting up and walking away, merely dissolved into nothingness before me. With their presence gone, my head suddenly cleared and I realized I had been under a heavy commanding control all this time.
For some reason, I suddenly felt like starting shit with angels. Again.
Go figure.