During a nap I dreamt my spirit had somehow gone back in time to a particular hour of a particular day in a particular room of a particular house.
As I emerged into the child’s bedroom through the wall she was facing, I knew when and where I was.
In ten minutes, I was going to start the seance.
The youth I once was looked up at me and her jaw dropped. Time ceased but she and I continued on. I knew what she was seeing.
Weaver Ravenwinged. Weaver Scarred and Marked. Indistinct boundaries spoke of my ease of shifting faces while too many sharp teeth grinned their mastery of adaptation from under the giant raven bone mask.
“I haven’t started yet!” Her voice echoed in my ears and my memory. Did this happen?
“I know. Ten minutes after I leave, you will begin.”
“If I haven’t started, then I haven’t summoned you!” Oh, her fear is gone. Now she thinks she’s brave.
“Indeed. What else does that information tell you?”
“If I haven’t summoned you, then I can’t make you leave.” Too late she’s realized the possible dangers I pose. I know she’s going to drag out the conversation as long as possible, to give herself time to deduce a way to escape me. Her first tactic to any stronger threat has always been to give the illusion of surrender. A tactic that has allowed me to escape abusive acts on the first attempt more often than not.
“Correct. Now, look closer. Study me well. This is a test, one you have not studied for, but I have confidence in you.”
I never did outgrow that curiosity. She leans forward. “I don’t recognize you, but you seem… familiar. I should know you. Are you [the family ghost]?”
I laughed a harsh corvid bark. “No. Try again.”
She squints and I watch her face as she identifies and summarizes the marks and symbolism she recognizes. “You’re not a demon… but not an angel… you’re not a ghost… too thick… but you can’t be human… wait… you’re a sorcerer!” Her eyes widen and she leans back in awe and renewed fright. “You’re a magician! A real magician! And this is your spirit come to visit me!” As expected, her fear gives way to anger. “Are you going to try and steal my soul?”
I chuckled a crow’s murmur. “No.”
She crosses her arms in youthful arrogance. “Then why are you here? Are you going to stop me from going through with the seance? Or are you going to trap who I’m going to try to summon? You’re obviously a very powerful sorcerer, not someone who would jump into a kid’s room for the fun of it.”
“My turn for questions. You Child, who does not believe in ghosts, have no problem believing in magic. You play with [the family ghost] but hold that when the living become dead, they are undone. Do you understand the contradiction in that belief and have you fully thought out what you are about to do?”
Her arms sag slightly. “[They] have been telling [her] dumb ass ghost stories again. She thinks the house is haunted and not just by [the family ghost] either. I want to stop them from scaring her anymore. Nothing is going to happen. Because nothing can happen. [The family ghost] is just a collection of coincidences. The dead is only the memories we carry.”
I matched her posture. “Then explain me.”
“Um…” The bravado and the fear left her. A strange sadness covered her face. Resignation. “I can’t.”
“I’m going to tell you a thing, Child. You may not remember the words when I depart, but you will remember the decision you will make after. If you follow through with this seance, you will open doors in yourself that have been barred closed. You are steeped in spirits but not all of them are friendly to you. If you keep that door closed, you will keep out those spirits that you will need to survive what comes later. But if you open that door, the facade of family harmony will crumble faster than your sanity. Here, then, is the choice you must make. Do you live or do you die?”
Her arms slipped from their pose completely and her hands settled in her lap. “There is no harmony. I know that. I keep trying to keep things together, but…”
I know what she doesn’t want to speak about. That mask had already begun cracking by this point in my life. I realized how important that seance really was. Some family members point to it as the beginning of my apparent insanity. But hindsight and reflection has taught me better.
That seance, and the opening of the door that followed, is another link to the chain of reasons why I am alive today.
“Why are you here, sorcerer?”
“To keep you alive, Child.”
“How do I keep living?”
“Open the door.”
She lowered her head and stared at the desk lamp on the floor in front of her. “You’re me. You’re a different me. A future me, maybe.” I kept silent. “This is gonna hurt, isn’t it. That’s why you’re telling me to do it. The immediate result is going to make me wish I hadn’t done it. But you’re telling me that the long term result will be worth what comes through.”
I maintained my silence. I didn’t tell her that the only way to avoid the pain completely was not to be born.
“Anything else I should know… sorcerer?”
“Make sure the bulb is screwed on tight. [Relative] is a bastard after all, and I wouldn’t put it past him to try to jiggle the lamp when everyone’s eyes are closed.”
My younger self laughed but her eyes were still pained. “Yea, you’re me. Okay… Sorcerer. I’ll open the door. But how will I control what comes through?”
“You won’t. You can’t. But you’ll enable the help you need to come to you. It’s going to be a very long road, but you’ll survive, literally and metaphorically.”
She came around the lamp and reached up to me. Without fear, with surety, she lifted the raven bone mask to reveal Weaver’s present face. “I look like Dad after all. But where’s all my hair?”
“You don’t need a lot of hair to be bloody awesome.”
“That’s not what Mom says.”
My laughter was harsher than I meant it to be. She dropped the mask as she flinched. I caught it before it crashed at her feet. With the warmth of a neglected tombstone, I spoke. “Mom says a lot of things.” She looked at her feet in response.
“This is going to hurt.”
“Yes.”
“But this is how I’ll survive.”
“Yes.”
She said nothing as she walked back around the lamp. “Are you going to stay and watch?”
I shook my head then donned the mask once more. “I know how this ends. And I don’t want to take the chance that anyone blood-related to me can see me. There’s already too much used against you as it is.” I spread my wings and touched the wall behind me. It became a vertical fluid and slowly started pulling me into it. “See you in [your future].”
With a well practiced mixture of sadness and contentment, she waved goodbye. Darkness pulled my consciousness into itself.
I blinked. Why was I standing? Wasn’t I sitting down? Oh, wait. I had just put the lamp on the floor and I thought I saw a shadow move on the wall.
Silly me. I haven’t even started the seance yet and I’m already spooking myself.
Speaking of spooking… lemme tighten this lamp bulb. [Relative] is going to try to scare [other relative] any way he can. Oh, it’s loose. Glad I thought to double check.
Right, then… time to make [those boys] eat their words. Ghosts? What ghosts! I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!
“Hey, get [the others], if we’re going to have this seance, we gotta get started in ten minutes or we’ll run out of time!”
A shout from the kids playing outside in the street wake me up. I don’t recognize the room at first. In a way it has changed so much from when I had the seance here [so many years ago], and in a way…
Wait…
…
Was that a dream? Or…
…
Fuck.