I Have A Feeling

I am less afraid of the signet ring I will have to obtain next year. Things are going as they go, but my god, how fast they are going!

Since my last update, I have had an angel get the drop on me to remind me that I am not forgotten and I am not forsaken.

I know this. It feels otherwise, but feelings are liars at times. Ask anyone in love.

After the last day of the DoMagick: Beginner’s Mind obligation was completed, nearly each and everyone of my spiritual connections communicated the same information: “We will help you leave, but we will not help you stay.” The communication is signed with their withdrawal. My gestures have no audience. My words are ash on my tongue. They will not suffer where I am any longer, and mark their displeasure with my unjustified tolerance with their absence.

It has been a long time since I have felt this alone, this detached, this unanchored, this forsaken.

Feelings are liars.

I am reminded of the Path of Cheth again. Of learning the hard way that sometimes a support isn’t supportive. That sometimes you have to let go before you can go. That some paths are meant to be walked alone.

I have had many dream adventures and no small number of wide awake visions, happenstances, and synchronicities. My well of words has run dry, however, and I have also lost the compulsion to share them with you. Is this sudden paucity also part of the event-bounded desert I am crossing? It may be, it may not be. I will wait until I have crossed the border into a different climate and observe a while before deciding what to set on fire and what to merely bury.

I’m watching folks online blog hither and thither about their engagement of the season and the special days coming up. No small bragging about the darkness of their craft or the sharpness of their eyeliner determination. Some settled declaration of the rejection of the spoopiness and the embrace of solitude, self-work, and reflection.

I have knitting in my lap without sorrow or guilt. That’s my bragging. And I only had to cast on once for my hands to remember.

I don’t know what I’m going to be once my life settles down at the next waypoint. Lemme rephrase that, I don’t know how much of my life is going to be online once my life settles down at the next waypoint. It will definitely be more magical, but how much of that am I willing to share with random strangers on the internet will remain to be seen.

I can’t make plans for the new climate until I have been in it a while. Right now, I feel like I’m in the middle of a metaphorical desert. I have a feeling I will reach its boundary sooner than anticipated. I have a feeling that not much will vary from my expectations when I do.

Feelings are liars.

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