This Is Not An Update

I’m not supposed to be blogging. I’m supposed to be finishing up a thing that according to the clock will only take me a few hours at most if I be meticulous about it but has taken me literally one week to acknowledge and one more week to determine what exactly has to be done.

I have a lot of words for you, dear Reader, but I am at a loss of how to present them and which ones to give to you. I’m not exactly oathbound to remain silent, but at the same time, things have changed so that what I do speak of does not affect only myself if you were to take my words in bad faith.

So a quick recap of where I am and what I’m doing, then. A list of generalities as a formality.

Continue reading “This Is Not An Update”

No Favour To Return

This is probably not helpful, because I’m much younger than you and not part of any community to speak of but: I have been quietly following you since I made a tumblr to follow people with because I was in a cult in my teens and something no one ever talks about is the ANGER and the HURT and the way that it just KEEPS GOING even as I keep going– the way that it so overtly breaks you and so subtly continues to break even years later– but you. You talk about it. And that– that is a light for me. Not because of ‘it gets better’ or anything hopefully trite like that, but because it /doesn’t/, you just live with it better and worse and your writing sets it out so plain– trauma is trauma, and even in the older pagan/polytheist circles I’ve found, no one likes to just face up to the scars. You do, though, and write it so well– I don’t know. It helps, and I can’t say that I can return the favour at all– but it helps. So. Thank you. I am sorry you hurt so much.

That was a message sent to my Tumblr blog quite some time ago. I never answered it publicly there because I didn’t want to expose the sender to undue harassment.

Continue reading “No Favour To Return”

Waving back.

Forgive me, I’m out of practice. The words tangle in the web of my feelings and fears. When I poured my words on Tumblr it was a lot easier to post without structure. I told myself that this blog was reserved for formal statements without comment. Truth being that this blog was reserved for long posts.

But the words don’t care. (And Tumblr is becoming dangerous to reader and writer.) They press on my mind and make my hands itch. While I have improved on discerning which words should be kept private and which words are stories starving for sharing, I still am hesitant to post here.

But here I am.

It’s going to take time for me to learn how to speak on this blog again. There is a difference between speaking to an empty room and speaking to the sea.

A Last Look at 2017

I started 2017 physically struggling but spiritually sound, and I am ending 2017 physically sound but spiritually struggling.

As of this post, it has been all of seven days since my daughter [Dter] and I moved out of the family home into our own apartment. If it were not for the influence of, instigation by, and inspiration from several key “spirits” in my life, our circumstances would have been much less pleasant than they ever had been before.

So to [Rummer John], and “Malphas”, and [Horatio], and [Pescado], and [Philippus], and Socheniel, and [ThisWoman], and [Patient Caller], and “Mary”, and “Jehovah”, I give my thanks and acknowledgement for the actions you all have pushed, pulled, and dragged me through.

It’s not the close of a chapter, it’s the close of a book. And I am at a loss for words to begin the next volume with. Continue reading “A Last Look at 2017”

I Have A Feeling

I am less afraid of the signet ring I will have to obtain next year. Things are going as they go, but my god, how fast they are going!

Since my last update, I have had an angel get the drop on me to remind me that I am not forgotten and I am not forsaken.

I know this. It feels otherwise, but feelings are liars at times. Ask anyone in love. Continue reading “I Have A Feeling”

Spirit Journal: 2017-04-16.01

The theme of Nature versus Nurture comes up a lot in my writings lately. Not all of my dreams involving conflict between established traditions (Nurture) and personal abilities (Nature) are mere flights of fantasy. My immediate relatives reject me based on lack of a shared culture that was intentionally denied me (Nurture), but my ancestral chain going from Great Aunt Mabel™ and up are reaching out and seizing me anyway (Nature).

There is a lot to be said for initiatory traditions, sincere initiations, and formal education in paths, histories, and workflows that keep a (sub)culture alive. But a good number of those avenues are closed off to me, either by malicious intent or lack of disposable income. There is no “nurturing” to be had. I’m on my own. Continue reading “Spirit Journal: 2017-04-16.01”

Dropped Notes

You have to be your own person. It’s perfectly fine to use what you perceive of someone else’s personality as a template to compare your own strengths and weaknesses against, but you have to be you, not what you wished that other person was.

Things change, but nothing changes. But still there are changes.

Own what you say.

Own what you do.

Own your expectations.

It’s not a tug-of-war between orthopraxy and orthodoxy. It’s a question of how you walk out your faith and if that path is taking you where you want to go.

Yes, you are the Chosen One, but only in the context of your life. You are at best a minor supporting character in everyone else’s.

Your beliefs mean jacque shitte when I’m dealing with my gods. It is comforting to know mine are equally dismissed when you are dealing with yours. You are not the measure of my faith, and I am not yours.