Face one fear, find another. Like I should be surprised at encountering a newly revealed yet long standing brick wall, again. The last time I was in the sphere of Venus, I was driving a notorious lech of a god around the realms and refusing to even acknowledge the very physical reactions I was suffering just being there.
I have since made progress in finding peace with myself, my body, what other people did to my body, and the consequences of those actions. Well, that’s what I told myself as I prepared for the next working.
After all, isn’t it better to be prepared for the worst so one can be happy when it’s not such? I lit the candle and began.
«What do you think you’re facing?»
I did not expect the working to become an interrogation, and yet I was relieved that I was getting to the core of the matter immediately. “Sex.”
«That is not what you’re facing. That is a possible action of what you are facing, but that is not what you are facing and refusing to see.»
“This is the gate of Venus, what the hell else could there be?”
«You have the answer already. If you want to pass through, you must pick up and carry the answer with you. Ignorance, willful or not, will shackle you in place and serve what is yours by right to those with the desire to take. They will not need force if you abdicate.»
I flinched. Memories tightened my throat as I remembered what I have endured by those who thought of themselves as my masters because of their interpretation of this sphere. “How do I banish ignorance, then? Where may I find the answer I need to continue?”
«Start where you are. Read the map and note the signs. Not all paths are clearly marked and some can only be revealed as you go.»
Feeling the end of the conversation, I brought the working to an end. Being told to “read the map” was a blessing. Since the map is not the territory, I could use the abstraction to look at the topic without looking into the unhealed wounds carried from the past. But first, I had to find the right map to read.
I was told to start where I was, well, what was with me when those words were said to me. I had not unmade the workspace yet, so all was still in place. Of everything there, only two items could be interpreted as a map: The paper “Table of Practice” I had started this series of workings with, or the book that was guiding me through the workings.
Having the luxury of not needing to put my toys away immediately gave me the space to sit back down and read the book’s chapter on Venus again. Just as what happened with the previous chapter, I had read this before several times and promptly forgot it each time after reading. Why would I need to remember details when “everyone knows” what this sphere is about, wink-wink-nudge-nudge-amirite?
The chapter is well written and very understandable. The author laid phrases to guide the reader into reflecting how the chapter’s contents is reflected and revealed in their life. A joy to read even as it attacked tight and sensitive skin over still festering wounds.
I was prepared for a discussion on sex. I was not prepared for a reflection on desire. And was certainly not prepared for the intellectual exercise that swiftly ran my mind ego first against the realization that I am the monster standing in my way, ready and eager to smother any light that would help me come through the darkness I have become accustomed to.
I put the book down, moved to the other side of the room, and cried.