Journal: 2020-10-01

I sat at the table with the book and the tools I needed to make the hand drawn copy of the lamen for the day. Just five days prior I had been told that there would be little progress made with the subject of the book until I had faced and dealt with a major personal fault. So why am I proving that I can’t draw for shit again?

Because I have to finish this cycle, that’s why. I have to run it through once, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can. I have faced so much in my life already, what is one more series of gates and hurdles?

This time, though, it wasn’t the gate itself that was worrying me. I am very well acquainted with the shadows of the Moon and the self-delusions that ferments there. It’s the angel of the sphere that I’m worried about. Gabriel tends to be… heavy-handed in my experiences.

I forced myself to read the chapters on Venus, Mercury, and Luna several times until I had a solid grasp on how each sphere works on the output of the sphere before. This meant deepening the confrontation with myself and understanding how my self-sabotage has manifested itself.

I doubted what I was doing and doubted what I had been receiving as a result of what I was doing. When I realized what I was doing to stall myself, I had to sit down and laugh. I reminded myself of all the workings I had done before and the present situation which was a direct consequence of those same previous workings. Why was I doubting all this now?

Because I can’t be called out on my shit if I never get up to any.

The working began and ended without anything to write about. I accepted that as achieving the best possible outcome and went about my day and later my week.


I turned over the rough rock in my hands. Unusually light for its size, I wondered if it was pumice. The rock slipped from my grip and splattered the dust at my feet where it landed. As I leaned over to pick it back up, a pair of feet shod with flame was on the ground before me.

I looked up and it was like looking into the sun. I shielded my face with my hand and tried to look at the visitor.

«So is this where I call you Cleopatra and you spend the rest of the night avoiding the reason why?»

I stopped trying to look at the speaker and looked back at the ground. If that is how they are greeting me, I wasn’t sure I wanted to expose any more of myself. “Is this where I get flippant and you scorch my ass off the face of the earth in response?”

«First, we would have to be on Earth.»

Huh? I look up at them and am blinded, again. I look off to my right and watch the mentioned planet rising over the slate gray horizon. “Oh. I’m on the Moon. And if so, I must be dreaming.”

«If you must.»

I nodded. I thought it would be safest to go straight to the heart of the matter. “You’re here to impart wisdom about how my obstacles in the Sphere of Venus is affecting the Sphere of Luna, I take it.”

«You take a lot of things, except the truth.»

“I’m trying to fucking behave here. Baiting me isn’t going to help matters, dream or not.” I held the recovered rock with both hands and noted just how dense it felt as a welcome distraction.

«Then stop picking up everything else except what you need to focus on to come through this.»

I looked around again and saw a stereotypical and desolate lunar landscape. I tried again to avoid a knee jerk response by changing the subject. “For this to be the sphere of manifestation, sure is empty around here.” Forgetting the nature of my conversation partner, I looked forward to study them. I saw nothing but stars and dust. Their voice seemed to come from everywhere away from me.

«Well, it is a reflection of your inner world, after all.»

I threw the rock to my feet where it buried itself in a deepening puddle of disturbed dust. Ignoring the warning, I stood up with intention to bully forward as an act of defiance. “Right. That’s fucking enough. Out with it!” I took a step forward and fell into a pool of dust that swallowed me until only my head was clear. As quickly as the pool embraced me, it seized itself into unyielding solidity. I was caught.

Their voice came from inside of my head, making me feel like I was a void in both stone and space. «I have nothing new to tell you. What magic word could I teach you that would assist you in avoiding what you already know? What spell would lift you away from the consequences of your actions? What talisman could you make that would insulate you from your inner parts that you are terrified of? I have nothing new to tell you and so I tell you nothing new.»

The stone became dust again and this time it devoured me and the dream with gravitational glee.


I woke up angry and annoyed. The setting on the Moon was both an obvious marker and an important metaphor. They were right. I am so intent on avoiding the discomforts of desire that I have allowed my world to be severely lacking in certain comforts. Acknowledging this didn’t make the dream or its lessons any easier to carry.


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