Lose Some, Gain Some

His hand was open the entire time. Twas my fear that kept me bound. I lose a name, and gain myself.

It wasn’t that long ago, I openly came out and publicly admitted I am a Lokean. Twas a label I had been actively avoiding since Loki grabbed me and caught me in his snare.

But the quoted tweet marked a turning point in my relationship with Loki Laufeyson. As of that tweet, I was no longer bound to him. I lost the status of Loki’s thrall. I was free.

And as of that moment, I was now fully responsible for myself.

I’ve never explained the debts I owed to Loki. There were three. The first was coerced out of me. “You’ll do this task for me, or I’ll snap your neck.” I had recently said farewell to a helpful entity that had seen me through my baby steps into scary paganism. Like an elementary school teacher, she had guided me until I reached a point where her continued presence would restrict my growth. I understood enough to see what she meant, but I really didn’t want to leave. When I dragged my feet, she left me. I felt very, very vulnerable.

One fine day, while helping a friend harvest wild grown mistletoe, I heard a rustle in the tree branches above me. In a flash I wasn’t in the mountains near my home, I was in a never tamed place. Instead of standing under the moderate size tree that my friend had just descended from, I was standing at a Tree with a canopy so grand, it held entire worlds in the unending branches. Just as I recognized where I was, a shadow descended from the closest branch and grabbed me with a hot grip.

“Hi. You know who I am. I know who you are. And I have a task for you. Just nod your head and say ‘yes’, dearie, or I’ll snap your neck. I wonder if such a drastic injury here will affect you there? Will you complete my task?” I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how to deal with tricksters. All I knew was I was brought so completely into the flash vision, his breath was scorching my ear and his hands was burning my skin.

I nodded my head, and promised I would complete the task he had in mind, whatever it was. “Good girl. Now then, your friend is gathering mistletoe. Take a piece, the length of your hand, and hold on to it. I’ll tell you what to do with it later.” He released his grip and I stumbled forward, leaving the Tree and returning to my world. Landing roughly against the ground, I just knelt there. I heard footsteps, and my friend yelling in concern. I just looked up at him, almost to tears. Just how do you explain to someone, that Loki just strongarmed you to make something for him from mistletoe. Mistletoe!

It took almost two years to finish that task. But in the process, I learned the runes, and stepped forward in my personal development. The items he detailed were made, and given to those he wanted to receive it. The debt paid, I was now free to continue with my plan of becoming a devotee of Set. (Don’t ask why I was headed that way, it made sense at the time. I look back on it now and shake my head.) It took longer than expected to get my pagan bearings. In the mean time, I kept encountering Loki in my dreams and journeys. It was soon quickly apparent to me, that he was trying to get me in his debt again.

I knew enough about that Bastard, to know not to take anything he said at face value. To question the legitimacy of everything he offered. To be respectful when I declined. And to be wary of lopsided favors. But he was persistent in his hunt, and it only takes one slip up to stumble into the waiting net.

I was careless. I did not ask the identity of a figure in a dream, one that I accepted help from blindly. When I thanked the stranger for his help, I snared myself. “Who do I give thanks to for this, and how may I repay his kindness?” The stranger grinned, an oddly toothy grin.

“I think you know my name already. Say it.” “Loki.” He smiled even wider, and the glamour that hid him faded.

“And for my payment, I will have you, and the pleasure of your body.” And so, he did. Of the second part of his ‘payment’, it was consummated quickly after I was enthralled by him. No, there will not be details. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Of the first part, he seemed to drag his feet in claiming what was his due. And so began the strange dance between him and I.

He sent me on errands, as messenger, as fetcher. Even as enforcer a few times. I lost friendships, gained allies, and had a physical relationship strained under unbelievable stress. I was ridden on a regular basis, and had my personal limits pushed further and further beyond what I thought I could bear. Every time I stumbled and fell, every time I collapsed crying that I could go no further, he would remind me of my debt to him. Surely I was honor bound to uphold it, yes? Yes, I would concede, wiping away my tears and forcing myself to go on with the task at hand.

In the past several weeks, my bond to Loki has been preeminent on my mind. I was bound to Loki until he released me, or I wrenched myself away, right? Like I could go up against a godform, especially one that is infamous for playing dirty. He commands me, I obey, that’s how it works, right?

“I will have you.” He’ll have me… how? Physically? Done. Emotionally? I call him my lover, and the ways he has touched me will not be detailed here. He has my loyalty and my devotion. But he does not have me the way one would expect a godform to do. Loki had made it very clear, early on in my service to him, that my path with him will be contrary. I won’t be his priestess. I won’t be his wife. I won’t become heathen. In service to the outcast god, I will be outcast myself. Watching from a distance, never to join in.

“I will have you.” I stopped questioning. I stopped confronting. I stopped demanding he prove himself to be my master. I just accepted, without question. If Loki requested something of me, and it was beyond my skillset, then I learned the skill. If it was beyond my personal boundaries, then I extended the boundaries. I’ve been beaten into submission with physical violence. This wasn’t like that. I’ve been bowed into submission with peer pressure and religious fanaticism. This wasn’t like that. This was acceptance of my place. Willful, mindful, yielding, complete submission. He had me, to the depths of my uttermost, he had me.

That didn’t keep me quiet though. If anything, that gave me freedom to speak my mind, which I did to Loki. Often. Of all my personal names for him, most of them involved expletives of some sort. I pushed my luck too far many times, and was disciplined for the mistake. And each time, I would get up, straighten my clothes, and stand before him again. He didn’t want a coward, he said. He didn’t want a servant that would cry in the corner. He didn’t want a thrall that would whimper in fear. And each time I stood back up and turned to face him, he would smile. “That’s my girl.”

I was content for this relationship to continue for the rest of this life. I had a master, and with him, stability and structure. I had an identity that I could fall back on when the world was too much for me to bear. I could deal with the world, because I had to deal with the world, because my master bid me to.

So, what happened? I opened my eyes. I examined my motives and found them flawed. I looked in depth at the relationship between myself and Loki, and noted little idiosyncrasies that gnawed at my perception of master and thrall. I considered blatant clues I had received, but at the time chose to ignore, because they threatened to upset my little piece of stability. But when I looked at the evidence in total, I could find no other conclusion.

Loki was not my master. He could not coerce me into anything. I served him, because I wanted to serve him. He had me, and with the first task he bid me to do, I completed the debt. All that followed, was because I wanted to follow.

I needed a master at the time, he confessed. And I was so desperate to have someone over me, I was at risk of attracting something, or someone, predatory and destructive. He enjoyed toying with me, and was surprised to find my devotion so complete. He knew one day I would see the truth of it, and would rather I remained friendly afterward, so he never demanded what I would have considered improper advantages. Well, except for that one time, but hey, I did enjoy it too, right? ~grumbles~

But now, I don’t need a master. I don’t need someone to stand over me, to shelter me, to protect me as the world storms around me. To continue that type of relationship would be destructive and crippling. He points out he has taught me very little. I have taught myself mostly everything. He points out that I could have told him to suck Nidhogg‘s dick that fateful day, and there would have been very little he could have done in response. But now, the truth of it was out and could no longer be ignored.

Loki was never my master. His yoke was never on me in the first place. It was my fear of standing up for myself that kept me bound to him. I had enthralled myself.

The name I have lost, is “Lokean”. Just when I had become comfortable with the designation, I revoke its application against me. I doubt the news will heal the friendships broken by my affiliation with Loki. And that’s just as well. My life is changing too much, I suppose.

It hasn’t even been a full week since that realization of my freedom. I tweeted that at the moment that followed, and only explained it to a few close friends. My dreamscapes have changed severely as a result. I’m still sorting out the tectonic shifts. Internally, there has been a fundamental change. I see the world differently. I am responsible for myself now, and I have to act accordingly. I do not have a godform to run to when I fuck things up, or when things are chasing me. That sense is spilling over into the physical world, as people close to me have sensed a new kind of independence.

I’ve uncovered a new piece of myself. Perhaps matured a little bit more. Perhaps advanced a little bit more. I am truly my own now. And I won’t be enthralled again.

Make of that, what you may.