Search

“Oh, Fenrir’s teeth!” She banged the top of the desk in dismay. “Fuck being nice about it. FUCK!” She looked around the now destroyed room. “where in the Nine Worlds have that pendulum gone off to, this time?” She threw a pillow across the room in frustration.

As she slowly put the reading room back together, she tried to remember the last place she saw the pendulum. She remembered pulling open the desk drawer and finding the tarot decks were piled in an unruly mess. She remembered emptying the drawer to properly arrange the contents and finding the oft misplaced pendulum. But by the time the drawer was in an orderly affair, the pendulum had gone missing. Again.

The room now back to the neat and welcoming presentation it held before her ransacking, Sally picked up the thrown pillow and sat glumly on the couch. Holding it much like one holds a teddy bear, she sat in dejected thought.

“Just where could it have disappeared to? I had it in my hand. And then, I didn’t. Stone and chain just don’t disappear into thin air.” She eyed the desk across the room, and focused on the large filing drawer that served as the tarot deck storage.

“I know. It was taking out those tarot decks that made me lose the pendulum. It will be the tarot decks that will help me find it.” She tossed the pillow to the side as she got up from the couch. Opening the drawer, she pulled out all the decks into a commingled pile of bags and boxes on the floor. Tumbling them about at random, she felt her hand settle over a deck and grip it firmly.

She opened the draw-string pouch and let the cards slide into her waiting hand. “The Deck of the Dead, eh? Has my pendulum been claimed by restless wanderers? It would not surprise me if it had.” She began shuffling the deck. “Okay then. Tell me, Deck of the Dead, where has my pendulum gone off to? Where should I search?”

Having asked her question, she stopped shuffling and raised the topmost card. She didn’t realize she was turning her head to the side until she noted the card was upside down. Turning it right side up so she could recognize it, she announced to the empty room what the deck had given her.

“The Knight of Pens. However, it is reversed. Oh bother.” She signed as the meaning of the card sunk in to her already tired mind. “Well, here pens are used to represent wands. I have no trove of wands, but I do have a cache of pens. It must be in the pen box!” Her voice was bright and triumphant as she declared what had to be the card’s representation.

Satisfied and sure of the deck’s instruction, Sally put the deck back into its pouch and drew the string tight. Placing the deck on the desk as she got up off the floor, she stubbed a toe against a tarot deck box. Resolving to put the decks away properly after retrieving the pendulum, Sally went to the pen box on the nearby shelf.

Well, she went to where the pen box should be on the shelf. Only to find it had been replaced with a storage box full of knitting needles and trinkets. “Great. To find the pendulum, I have to find the pen box. Well if the knitting box is here, then is the pen box where the knitting box should be?” Her ego and her toe bruised, she set off to her bedroom, where most of her unused knitting supplies should be.

As she started up the steps, she shook her head in heavy thought. The card the Tarot of the Dead had given her, when reversed, spoke of “poor planning”, and of “lack of energy for the task at hand”. Entering her room, she noted sourly the card had described her present predicament very thoroughly.

She found the pen box where the knitting box should be. “The card may have referred to the past, but now my search is…”. She opened the pen box. “Still ongoing. Oh bother.” A large variety of pens tumbled about. “Pens, pens, and more pens. Not a hint of the pendulum, and I’m more tired than when I started.” To be sure, she dug around the inside of the box. Her hand found many an uncapped and leaky pen, but no pendulums.

Futilely wiping her hand with a tissue, trying to wipe off the already dried ink, Sally was angry at herself for failing to consider the card’s meaning before setting off upstairs. She closed the box and caught herself putting it back on the wrong shelf. Since she had to go back to the reading room, she thought to bring the pen box with her. She’ll just make a note to put the knitting box away properly later in the day.

The pen box now on the shelf in the reading room, she turned to the Tarot of the Dead. “I would ask you again, but you tricked me! I didn’t ask about my mental state! I want the pendulum!” She reached into the cluttered pile at her feet and closed her hand on a time-softened cotton bag.

This was her first tarot deck, given to her many, many years ago by her friend and mentor. She turned the nearly thread-bare bag over in her hand. This was the deck she learned tarot with. When she had a complicated matter to unravel, she would pull the Rider Waite deck out and be again in her mentor’s room. Surely this deck would reveal the pendulum’s location.

Shuffling the age-stained deck with care, Sally once again, focused on the pendulum. “Dear Beloved Deck, tell me, where can I find my pendulum?” She stopped shuffling and held up the topmost card. The iconic image of The Fool held her steady gaze. In the margin of the card, she could still see the tiny fading note she had written so long ago. “Exploration of the unknown.”

“What? Am I supposed to go explore space? I’ve already turned this house upside down twice over today looking for it. Everything external to me has been marked, cataloged, and placed.” Thinking once more to the pen box sitting in the knitting box’s place, she murmured, “Maybe not where it’s supposed to be, but it’s placed.”

Idly she returned the card to the deck, and started shuffling in an effort to clear her head. It was late afternoon, the day was a write-off for anything productive as far as Sally was concerned. “Am I a fool, then? If everything without has been sifted, then do I need to put myself in order? Am I to explore the parts of me still unknown to myself? Like why I can keep track of a comfortable tarot reading business, but can’t find a little stone and chain? Is there something deep inside of me, that is using the pendulum to distract me from some soul rending wound?”

She laughs, shaking herself from her reverie. “Nah! I’m far to well put together for such idlings. Well, that’s the lie I know I tell myself. It’s just stone and chain!” Her laughter fades into sighs. “That I truly, truly, want to find. And keep. It… means a lot to me.” She tucked the deck once more into the bag and placed it on the desk beside the Tarot of the Dead.

As she stood back, her foot, once again, was bruised by a tarot deck box that was laying in the pile at her feet. Annoyed, she pushed it further back with the same foot. Another sigh, as she started to place the clutter of bags and boxes back into the drawer. First went the Tarot of the Dead, followed by the old Rider-Waite. The Legacy of the Divine was placed next, but not before she noted the organza bag was ripping in places. A thin Lenormand deck was placed on top of that. A green hued Thoth wrapped in a green tie-dyed scarf went next.

The next deck she picked up slipped from her tired hands. The silk scarf gave way and the Babylonian Tarot spilled out onto the floor. Fortunately, none of the cards slid far from her. They mostly fell in a general clump, face down at her feet. Except for one card, that flipped as it hit her continually bruised toe.

“Ow! Really! Okay, fine, you have my attention. But did it have to be that toe?” Sally sat down to rub the complaining foot. As she tried to smooth away the physical insult, she looked over the one card that had fallen face up in the pile. The flaming brilliance of the Eight of Wands was a sharp contrast to her sullen mood. She placed the card to the side as she gathered up its fellows.

“Eight of Wands. Eight Wands. What do I have around here that can be eight sticks?” As she picked up the card and turned it to match the rest of the deck, the card’s color remained in her mind. “Eight sticks… and fire. I know! Eight wood stirring spoons, in the kitchen! Maybe I left the pendulum in there!” She hurried to wrap the Babylonian Tarot back in its corresponding silk cloth, but this time, ensuring the knot would not slip. Placing the deck in the drawer, she hurried to her feet and went to the kitchen.

On the kitchen counter was an assortment of eight wooden stirring spoons in various lengths, resting inside a tall decorative container. Sally emptied the container on the counter and looked inside. No pendulum. She then noted the direction the resting spoons were pointing in. Deciding the handle end more reflected the card’s image than the spoon end, she looked along the shaft, through the hall way, to the entrance way, to see the mail sorting pouches hanging by the front door.

Digging through the pouches that separated personal mail from business, Sally began to think on the card’s meaning. Her business, while steady, felt stagnated. She had wanted to offer more than just tarot readings, but her friends told her to stay with what was “tried, true, and safe”. The card spoke of letting creativity fly, of releasing bound energies and setting things loose. As if in tune with her thoughts, a postcard addressed to her business slipped from her hands and fell. She would not have noticed it, but the corner landed with delicate punctuation, on her already bruised toe.

“I know you have only tarot readings available, but I was wondering if you would consider other decks. I really don’t like tarot, but you read so well. Please consider it. You have a guaranteed booking from me, if you do.” The handwriting was neatly elaborate. Sally recognized the writer’s name. A repeat client, that had oft expressed her dislike of tarot decks. Sally considered the timing of the postcard against the tarot card she was mulling over. A nice coincidence, but she was no closer to her pendulum.

“That does it. No more tarot cards. I’m going to put all the decks away, and make me a cup of tea, and make a sandwich, and try to calm down!” She stormed into the reading room and furiously began to pick up the floor strewn decks. In her rush to pick up and put the decks away, she did not notice she had bumped one deck box further under the desk. She ignored the feel of bags and boxes in her hands, and willfully overlooked any eye catching designs.

She stood up once finished. Standing next to the desk, she looked around the neat and ordered room. Having surrendered to the idea of not finding the pendulum that day, she went to the kitchen. Seeing the scattered stirring spoons only prompted another round of sighs. She put the spoons back in the container. Placing all thing tarot out of her mind, Sally did indeed, put on a kettle for tea, and begin the makings of a sandwich.

A little while later, as she sat in the reading room with tea and her journal, she heard a knock on the door. She had no clients scheduled for the day, so she ignored it. The knock repeated, a little louder and with more urgency. Through the door she heard a man’s voice. “Delivery! Signature required!” Sally remembered an eBay find she won last week and wondered if it had arrived already.

She signed for the package and retreated once more back into the reading room. Indeed, this was the tarot deck she had wanted for her collection. As she opened the box, she was giddy in a “Happy Birthday to me” happiness. It was nice to get new things, even if they were actually old, it was still new to her. She lifted the gold ribbon tied bundle clear from the paper wrapping.

Her intention was to lay out the deck, and order it. A quick way to get acquainted with the deck while making sure she had all 78 cards. She untied the gold ribbon, unfolded the gold silk, and gently spread her new acquisition in a resplendent fan of color and gleam. Tavaglione’s Scala d’Oro glowed warmly in the afternoon sun.

She had purchased this deck with a collector’s eye. Looking at the multitude of symbols and correspondences on each card made her head swim. The minors seemed lackluster when compared with the majors. But all had a rich visual tapestry to feast the eyes. She chose a card at random, and held it up to peer into the detailed framing of the card.

The Page of Coins held the symbol of his suit. Sally could make no sense of the Hebrew ringed seal behind the character. She meant to pick up another card for inspection, but the Page of Coins held her fast. She sighed, knowing she was about to be given another hint, and picked up the included booklet to see how this deck was interpreted. “Intellectual undertaking, or desire for new acquisitions, depending on context. Keywords: Disciple, Scholar, Speculator.”

She tossed the booklet down sharply, but laid the card down with care. “What? Am I supposed to expand my business so I can purchase another pendulum? Yes, yes, yes, I’ve been meaning to expand, but that is not the question on my mind! I want my pendulum! That is on my mind! Why are all the cards giving me hints about what I’m thinking, but not what I’m thinking about? Speculator, indeed!”

Sullen again, Sally ordered the deck. Finding all cards accounted for, she wrapped the deck in the provided gold cloth, and placed it to the side. She tried to put the idea of using the tarot to find the pendulum out of her mind. She kept trying to settle on the idea that she’ll just have to undo all the neatness again, but put things away properly instead of just stuffing them where ever they look good. But the drawer kept catching her eye. And the shuffling itch kept her fingers busy.

“Oh, okay. Just one more deck, and that’s it! If I don’t find it after that, I’m going out!” She pulled open the drawer and took the first deck she saw. The bag was made from the remnants of a multicolored scarf. Swirls of color spun around each other in eye tricking patterns. She didn’t have to open it to know which deck she now held. Sally untied the knot, and let Buckland’s Romani tarot deck slide into her hand.

This time, instead of being haphazard about shuffling, she treated the deck as if she was performing a full reading for a client. She grounded and cleared the space around her. She asked for her guides to help. (And noted she should have asked at the beginning of the day.) She closed her eyes and focused on the location of the pendulum, to the point where she could see it in her mind’s eye. She shuffled until she felt the familiar pull in her hand, signifying to stop shuffling.

One card was placed before her. She took a deep breath, and opened her eyes. The High Priestess sat, with baby in one hand, and pensive pipe in the other. To Sally, the woman in the card had a lot on her mind. The card seemed to reflect Sally’s thoughts quite well. She was both in agreement with the card, and greatly annoyed at the card. From the first deck pulled, the cards have told her nothing about the pendulum, and everything about what she was thinking.

“Perhaps this is why I can’t find the pendulum. Maybe I’m not supposed to be searching for it today. Maybe I was supposed to take the day and deal with myself for once, instead of putting it off for another free day.” She sighed in surrender. “I have been rushing with everything. I need to sit down and start going through my life, and the stuff I’ve used to clutter my life. Pens don’t make good knitting needles, after all. Okay, Tarot. I get it.”

She shuffled the drawn card back into the Romani tarot deck and closed her reading with a clap and a nod. Sally found herself strangely at peace with herself, and with the pendulum still lost. She knew it tended to remain lost until she truly needed it anyway. She thought of her snappish response and chuckled. “You know, going out would be good, anyway.”

She stretched and her foot found the hidden box under the desk. “Ow! Now wait a minute! I’ve had this toe hammered all day! And I’m done with letting it happen! Whatever hit my toe, prepare for retribution!” She pushed the chair back and crawled under the desk. She emerged slightly dusty and with the Druid Animal Oracle box set in hand.

Completely forgetting her resolution made just minutes ago, she tossed the box onto the desk. But her toss was poorly aimed. The box hit the edge and flipped back towards her. As it flipped, it opened in mid air. Cards and book spread across the floor once again.

Sally stood there, helpless to prevent the mocking cards from teasing her once again. “Now look, I made peace with the Tarot. How do I make peace with a deck I’ve never been able to use? Oh bother.” She looked over the spilled cards, noting that they were all face up. “Well, at least no hidden messages.” She sat back down on the floor, and started picking up cards, counting them as she did.

She had picked up all the cards, but her count was off by one. She counted the cards in her hand again, but still, she was off by one. “Could I have been missing a card all this time? That would explain why I could never use this deck, it’s incomplete!” Placing the cards on the table above her, she reached out and picked up the accompanying book.

To her surprise, a card partially slid out from between the pages. She pulled it free from the book and gave a little jump. Sally was afraid of snakes, and holding The Adder card upside down was not helping. On a whim, she looked up the card’s meaning. “Transformation, Healing and Life Energy. The reversed card urges you to abandon the ability to wound and replace it with the power to heal.”

“Transformation? Ability to wound? Me?” Sally quickly placed the card with its brethren and put the book and deck back into the box. “I’m the one wounded! My poor toe! I’ve been hitting it against everything all day! Why, with all the clutter I’ve had to pick up and pull out and pick up and…” The realization slowly filtered up from some deep place within her. “All the clutter that I put in place myself.”

“I’ve been sabotaging myself all this time. And the cards have been showing me, but I’ve been too focused on something I still can’t use, rather than trying to fix myself. Heh. The cards have been a mirror, showing me what’s on my mind.” Even though Sally was by herself, she was still an expressive speaker. To emphasize her point to herself, she placed both hands on her braided head.

And felt something hard, like stone.

And felt something thin, like a chain.

Sally grabbed the hard thing she felt in braid and lowered it to her face. The amethyst pendulum sat snug in her hand, warm from being tucked in her hair all day. As she looked at it, she remembered how it came to be there. She had indeed found it in the tarot drawer. Knowing her penchant for losing things again, she tucked it in her braid so she wouldn’t lose it again.

“But the cards… have been showing me what’s on my…” With her free hand, she covered her face. Her deep blush was visible between the splayed fingers, and her chuckling verged to tears. “What’s on my mind. Which is where the pendulum has been this entire time. On my head, on my mind.”

“Oh bother.” She laid the pendulum on top of the Scala d’Oro deck. “I have two things to learn. And a set of lessons I need to let sink in. I am definitely going out tonight. Can’t wait to see Lucille. She’ll love to hear about this I’m sure. On my mind. Indeed!”

Sally laughed as she picked up the telephone. She rang her friend, who quickly answered the phone. “Lucille! Let me take you to dinner, my treat! Have I a story for you! … Oh, just something that’s been on my mind, all day!”

Make of that, what you may.

(This post inspired by, and written for, Sunday Scribblings #309: “Search“. Assisting with the tarot and oracle cards chosen for this work are the following (somewhat) patient people:
Shae, writer of Amethyst’s Offerings, with the Tarot of the Dead card: The Knight of Pens, reversed.
Kelton, a wise man that allows me to lurk in his online shadows, with the Rider-Waite card: The Fool (0).
Freeman, writer of Freeman’s Reviews (and delightfully cheeky gent), with Sandra Tabatha Cicero‘s Babylonian Tarot card: Eight of Wands.
Vagabond, writer of One Fool’s Journey, with the Scala d’Oro card: Page of Coins.
Lilith, tarot reader at Books, Beans, and Candles MS (and co-instigator with Freeman), with the Buckland‘s Romani tarot card: The High Priestess (II)
Lala, writer of PUTA (she chose that acronym intentionally, you’ve been warned), with the Druid Animal Oracle card: The Adder)