I’m not supposed to be blogging. I’m supposed to be finishing up a thing that according to the clock will only take me a few hours at most if I be meticulous about it but has taken me literally one week to acknowledge and one more week to determine what exactly has to be done.
I have a lot of words for you, dear Reader, but I am at a loss of how to present them and which ones to give to you. I’m not exactly oathbound to remain silent, but at the same time, things have changed so that what I do speak of does not affect only myself if you were to take my words in bad faith.
So a quick recap of where I am and what I’m doing, then. A list of generalities as a formality.
I’m not going to keep up with the DoMagick cycle for the first half of this year. As old projects come to an end, stalled projects resume to consume my attention and I have to be honest with myself about using “small” projects like the DoMagick efforts as a way to distract myself from my fears of inadequacy.
Which is hilarious to me because it was during the middle of a DoMagick challenge in 2017 that I found myself drenched to the scalp in the current of Saint Cyprian. That directly led not only to me moving out by the end of that year, but joining a deeper and more intensive study of Saint Cyprian last year via Jason Miller’s The Black School.
But here is where my propensity for liveblogging my experiences is interwoven with experiences that are not meant for the public eye. Things happened in that first cycle (and the second and the current third) of classes that not only involve Saint Cyprian, but that which accompanies the “overcoat” mantle, and even the Devil himself!
And I can’t tell you without coming too close to a line labeled “Membership Required Past This Point”. (Which is hilarious considering how many times I rejected membership of any kind.)
And this sucks, because there is so much I want to talk about, get input about, and learn more about! My wooish vocabulary is very limited after all, having learned most of what I think I know from internet forums and scans of 1970s pamphlets. The “patron” of my relative [Great Aunt Mabel™], who I had previously written about as [ThisWoman], I have revised her pseudonym to be the “Queen of Swords” because of an (unpublished) intercession where those same blades were unsheathed to defend me.
But as a direct result of the Black School and the Cyprian work, another entity whom I have retitled as the “Queen of Wands” had attempted to claim ownership of me, and it is against her that the blades have been brandished. I could certainly use an adult’s guidance, but I’m limited in what I can say!
Another consequence of the Black School is that I have been facing my Christian past on several levels. I can recite the Pater Noster without exploding into flames (literally or figuratively). I have had a second vision of Christ that ended with me standing in place instead of walking away as I did the first time. Not only has my fear of angels left me, but my anxiety of anything relating to Christianity.
I am more concerned about the makeup of the congregation of a church, than I am entering the church building itself. I have been able to separate the people that abused me in the name of God from the God I wish I had met before I met those who claim to be his people. And I am at peace with that.
Just as I am at peace with Lucifer, and that Devil of mine, Malphas.
See what I mean? Changes.
I will confess to you, that I had originally meant to write this post as an apology for not having done anything “substantial” with regards to magic lately. And I now realize that I am mistaking lack of publicity for lack of progress. But now that I’ve sat down and reflected not only on where I am now, but how I got here, I realize I don’t have anything to apologize for.
Except to myself for successfully procrastinating another two hours. *bright laughter goes here*
I leave you with an exhortation, then. “May you do what needs to be done, in the proper timing, in the proper way, so that you become what you need to be.” Amen.