The hillside spirit barely acknowledges my presence as I throw my Speed Limit + 10mph greeting out the window. (I’m still moving slow. The fast lane is usually cruised at SL+25.) Not surprisingly, really, as the crops under its guardianship are growing aggressively and the workers are often in the fields taking care of business.
But it still throws a spiritual grunt my way even though I’m only a little sparrow darting past ancient megafauna. And sometimes that “I see you” is enough to carry me through the day.
However, the memorial park also on my work commute path has lost its connection with my own death-related entities. For months and months, I would drive past and make a formal nod of greeting/parting.
And then one day…
Nothing.
Think of it like coming in to work and seeing the neighboring manager’s coat on a certain hanger every day. You may not even talk to them, but sure as the sun rises and decaf is terrible, that coat is hanging there. You expect it. It becomes part of the standard environment.
Then the coat isn’t there.
And while they aren’t your manager, and what they do have no direct nor obvious effect on your work, that the coat is not there can be disconcerting.
The memorial park is still there. (The god-awful landscaping is still there.) But the feel is not.
Was it something I said? Something I did? Or did not do that I should have? Was there ever a connection in the first place?
Part of the spiritual reset included taking a critical look at my assumptions and things I have taken for granted. Did I greet because I expected something to greet back (like the hillside spirit), or because that is what other people have told me I should do regardless of the circumstance? Was I supposed to have a link there, or did I create one because I’m a spoopy spirit worker and I have a reputation to maintain? Am I searching for senpai or pretending to be one?
There is no there, there. The memorial park remains a landmark to gawk at from the freeway. I feel a gaping emptiness as I drive past it now. As if at one time, it was a spiritual nexus, and now it only has the memories held in the soil under the dying grass to keep it company, and even that is eroding away.
Circles and spirals. Turning in, turning out. Never turning the same way twice.