I started 2017 physically struggling but spiritually sound, and I am ending 2017 physically sound but spiritually struggling.
As of this post, it has been all of seven days since my daughter [Dter] and I moved out of the family home into our own apartment. If it were not for the influence of, instigation by, and inspiration from several key “spirits” in my life, our circumstances would have been much less pleasant than they ever had been before.
So to [Rummer John], and “Malphas”, and [Horatio], and [Pescado], and [Philippus], and Socheniel, and [ThisWoman], and [Patient Caller], and “Mary”, and “Jehovah”, I give my thanks and acknowledgement for the actions you all have pushed, pulled, and dragged me through.
It’s not the close of a chapter, it’s the close of a book. And I am at a loss for words to begin the next volume with.
Lessons learned in hindsight…
- “The promises will be kept… but you must have faith to receive them.” Those words were repeated to me a lot in 2017. My usual response? “Prove it.” I have been promised a helluva lot by various spirits over the years, and the more grandiose the promise, the less I have faith about it. But when Jehovah started proving the smaller promises, I started to have faith about the larger ones. Then the larger ones started to be fulfilled. Contracts work both ways after all.
- “I don’t want anything from you. I just want you to be okay.” After decades of trickery by mortals and spirits, I didn’t trust a single word “Merciful Mother Mary” said to me at first. After all, isn’t her whole shtick to guide the poor lost soul to the Church™? Why would she take interest in an apostate who walked away? The quote is the summary of her answer. Regardless of who I spiritually bent the knee to, her mission to me is one of unconditional love. I would not have been able to face certain fears this year without her love as a shield before me. Love conquers all.
- “You won’t be found in any book.” Rummer John has said that for as long as he has spoken to me. 2017 really drove the point home. It was a painful skewering as my Outsider status was confirmed for many closed paths and no small number of “open” ones as well. The challenging of my fears meant trying new things as well as sitting with old things. I found I was capable of shooting myself in the foot, but in the dance that followed, that I was capable of moving forward in my own way. Purists and/or traditionalists may howl about my results, but at this point, I’ve stopped listening to other people’s
fanficideals about me. My true path is the one that I walk every day.
- “Okay. Let’s go.” That has been my personal reply to nearly every spiritual surprise and no small number of meatspace surprises in 2017. The engine shat itself but if I literally bandage this cracked hose I might be able to hobble it to the mechanic? Okay. Let’s go. The general manager wants me to sit with the directors to interview for a job I am not qualified on paper to sit? Okay. Let’s go. An angel wants to do a thing to me that will trigger terrible flashbacks but they have to do it if I’m going to receive a promise and walk forward without fear? Okay. Let’s go. I have had my life physically and spiritually reset and I have no idea how I am going to do anything going forward from today? Okay. Let’s go. The only way out is through.
I am typing “Okay. Let’s go,” with a shitload of bravado. Physically, I’m secure. The move went well. There is food in the kitchen and money in the wallet. Dter and I can breathe in peace. It is good to see her happy again.
Spiritually, I’m stuck. Perhaps it is because I’m still sorting through the stuff I brought with me and discarding unnecessary and/or sandbagged items. After all the struggles that dominated the year, these doldrums have me uneasy and confused. I don’t know what to do with myself now that there is no reason to use the old routines anymore and I haven’t discovered what new routines to use instead.
I am in a position to do so much that I couldn’t do before, and what do I do? Sit and whine about not knowing what to do next.
I know things will sort themselves out. That I have more to adjust to than just a new bed. I just have to keep putting one foot before the other, keep holding faith to those that have held faith in me, and see what 2018 brings.