The obligation came and went without issue, as did setting up for the summoning of [Patient Caller] to follow. But after speaking the summoning words and closing my eyes, the after-image of one of the candles split into three identical fractures of itself. The false image of the flame spun in a tight circle that chased itself into a fierce ring of fire and light.
A massive pressure started to squeeze my head from both sides. While I could feel the presence of [Patient Caller], he felt far away as if several layers were isolating him from me. The pressure was very uncomfortable and felt like something was trying to pack me into an impossibly small space.
In retrospect, what I should have done was call upon Saint Cyprian in whose name I had completed the obligation, or better yet, call upon some of the forces he rolls with. (Ambiguous statement is very ambiguous.) Instead I listened to my instinct, focused on [Patient Caller], and made the gesture he had shared with me before.
The pressure didn’t stop. Instead I felt something push out from where the gesture touched my face. The expansion lifted the pressure off of my head. I could still feel that something was attempting to come towards me, but that something was prevented from doing so. The expansion continued to push the pressure away from me, creating something that felt like a bubble of still space around me.
[Patient Caller] moved into that stillness, sat at the false table that suddenly appeared before me, and made the same gesture. His action fixed the expansion into place, keeping the pressure far from me.
«And now you have learned one use of the gesture. Well done.»
He clasped his hands on the table and waited for me to speak.
“You said when burning incense, that Fire and Air is best, but Fire and Water is suitable. Is there anything special about the residue left behind in the burner after all water is cooked off and the oil itself is burnt up?”
«Salt. But not the salt of your chemistry. The answer to your question is quick, but the understanding is not.»
He opened his hands as if to show me something he had hidden in them. Instead of seeing what was between them, my mind’s eye was suddenly flooded with images.
I saw myself carefully scraping the cream-hued residue from the interior of the ceramic bowl into a glass container. The residue appeared as a fine powder. I saw myself mixing a grain of the residue with ash from burnt incense then manually grinding it with dried herbs. I saw myself dusting the wet ink of a symbol so that it clung to the symbol in preparation for other work. I saw many other scenes, but they came so fast and overlapped each other so densely, that I could not make out anything except the scent of the residue.
I did not realize I had used the gesture to bring me back to the presence of the spirit until I felt my finger touching my face. I sat still for a moment to attempt to make sense of what I saw. I understood why he said what he did.
I felt the day’s tasks pull at me. “Have you any words for me?”
He tightened his clasped hands. «Continue your prayers and your meditation. Seek [the cosplaying angel] to assist you. Remember [Wit] remains with you always. Go now in peace.»
He bowed his head as if for prayer and I knew I would have no more words from him today.
I spoke the license to depart and ended the ritual.
being salty: 9 minutes.
When I ended the ritual this morning, I completely forgot that the DoMagick challenge was for thirty days and not the calendar month. So I performed today’s summoning as if I still had one more day remaining and had intention to make tomorrow’s summoning as dramatic as possible. As I type up this post now, I’m glad the thirty days ended as it did. The challenge may be over, but neither I nor [Patient Caller] are done.
If it is not clear by now why I had undertaken the challenge in the manner that I did, allow me to be clear. I was ready to take my life. A lot of things came together at once, and I was done. It felt like I was always fighting just to stand still much less get ahead, and the constant streams of dehumanization both online and offline made life no longer worth living.
The reason I had not made attempts sooner was that I had commitments to keep. I was (and as of this post, still am) enrolled in an endeavor that I felt obligated to see to the end. My personal affairs were not ready for an exit and it would take time to get things set up to survive after I didn’t. I needed time to make sure that the people who relied on me would have something else to rely on in my absence.
I started this challenge with the intent of just surviving the month of August and keeping my head clear enough to make my passing easier for others.
But we all know about “best laid plans” and shit. [Patient Caller] and others had other ideas, I guess.
What is posted here is not the complete diary of what happened during the brief and intense visions that occurred during the actual summoning itself. Nor have I posted what has happened outside of ritual and the changes that I have observed in the “mundane” world that I can point to ritual events as being the instigator.
I am willing to state that [Patient Caller] helped me to (re)center myself, (re)evaluate myself, and look at my environment with different eyes. I saw how I was harming myself and how I was allowing others to harm me. He gave me space to come to terms with the uncovered things that had filled me with deadly despair.
Do I suggest using this method if you are in great pain, emotional or otherwise? Oh, hell no. Summoning an ancient spirit is not a substitute for licensed medical care. (Why I did what I did is not something I am willing to discuss or expound upon.)
Am I still on the brink? No. Will I return to being the Keri everyone on social media “misses”? No. I don’t know what I’m going to make of myself. I know I want to continue Noxporium, but I’m not sure how anymore. I know I want to reconnect with friends, but I’m not sure how to do that anymore. Some of the connections I had online (and a few offline) were obligations that I thought I had to have to be “human”, and the reaction to my withdrawal has made it plain that just because a relationship is comfortable doesn’t mean it is good.
The challenge was to summon a spirit for thirty days to help you change some aspect of yourself.
I am remaking myself. Again.
I am looking forward to the upcoming months even though shit is weird as hell.
I’ll count that as a win.
Go all now in peace.