It Gnaws At Me

I’m bothered. I can’t tell the difference between the past and the future. The direction the imagery in my dreams and journeys has taken is quite severe. But I can handle that. What’s unsettling is I’m seeing something like that connected with a person I know. And the implications are dire.

But I can’t tell if I’m merely projecting my internal issues onto this person, or if I’m being given the gift of a warning? If it is a warning, am I merely given time to prepare for the inevitable, or do I have a chance at changing the event before it happens?

When I try to focus on the images, the past bleeds into the future which shatters around the present. I don’t know where I am, or even if I am.

I am only left with the soul gnawing dread.

I have been trying to speak of this for the past week, but fear comes along and pulls at me. It silences my voice and leaves my hands weak and trembling. I’ve whispered this, to no one.

I want this to be only a symptom of my madness. But I can’t shake that perhaps, possibly, it’s more than that.

I write, because in the laying of words in the structure of sentences, I capture my fears in manageable cages. I strip away the blind emotion that twists like moebius strips and expose the kernels of panic for the screaming nothings that they are. But this eludes me. Even the allusions are leaky, allowing the smokey fear to slip away from the fetters that you are reading. So that all that is captured, is the tender hand-wringing of a crying child.

I’ve been mad before. Flesh-rending, banshee-screaming, stark, raving mad. This isn’t it. This guts deeper.

It feels like a head-on collision of two unstoppable forces. The force within Keri, and the forces without Keri. But Keri isn’t the one standing on the target. Keri can only watch.

“It’s coming.” I know. But must I know that it is? “It’s coming, and you will have a part in it after.” I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for this. This hollow ache in my bones. “Did you think things would stay this way forever?” No. On an intellectual level, I know it doesn’t. But knowing it is close is more painful than knowing it will come one day. “You would rather be surprised? Gutted and wrenched like the others?” I don’t know. I thought I did. I can argue for one way or the other. “Or are you jealous that it doesn’t come for you.”

~deep breath~ Yea. I am.

…