The Absence of Fear

On April 18, JLR Kruse asked me:

Also, how do you feel now afterwards? Do you still feel afraid of the black armored angel?

And I answered what was a true answer at the time of:

To be honest, I don’t know. There is the memory of fear and the anticipation that it will occur again because “logic” tells me that such a deep-seated fear will not be shifted literally overnight. But there is also the absence of anxiety now and an intense level of ambivalence about encountering them again. I guess I won’t know until they are present and I observe my reaction.

But my answer has changed since then.

There is the memory of being afraid and the memory of reacting to that fear, but the specific memory of the fear itself is gone. I reflect on those “dreams” where the black armored angel terrified me, and while I remember the act of being terrified and the consequences of that terror, the terror itself is absent.

I can’t remember being afraid.

When I reflect on the black armored angel now, there is no apprehension. But there is no curiosity. There is no portion of fear stored in the past and no space allowed for fear to return. When I think on the black armored angel and all the ways they have appeared, could appear, and the promise of their return, I have nothing to remark about it.

The hallmark emotion I have regarding the black armored angel is not fear, or the absence of fear. It is the complete absence of emotion that accompanies the thought. The slate has been wiped clean and there is no trace of the confusion and turmoil that is documented as boiling over before.

I am limited by my language, in that I do not have a word to describe the true neutral state of my attentions. I am not afraid, but I am not attracted. I am not avoidant, but I am not eager. Before I said that I was ambivalent. I was wrong.

I am apathetic.

I don’t know how my fear was erased so completely that even the past is affected by it. I am thankful for it. This allows me the chance to meet the black armored angel again as if for the first time and without the uncontrolled intervention of other people’s and other entities’ actions. It may be like the first time I consciously remember the black armored angel as a unique entity after assembling the Rosary of the Lost Crucifix.

There was no hostility between us. No subterfuge sneaking around us. Just me, them, and the symbol of the promises that I now understand binds us together.

The promises that will be kept.

The promises I now have faith in.