The Ten Rules of Witchdom

I’m tired of the controversy, the battering back and forth over what rules, if any, witches should live by. I’ve tormented a few friends and found ten rules that should be sufficient for all witches, solitary or covenbound, free speaking or oathbound.

Rule #1: Thou shalt not compare thyself to other witches, for they are the witch that they are, and thou art the witch that thou art, and if Divinity wanted two of thee, thou wouldst have a twin.

Rule #2: Thou shalt not mistake thine idols for the facets of Divinity they represent. For thou mayst have no idols upon thine altar, yea verily, thou mayst have NO altar, and still be truly a witch.

Rule #3: Thou shalt not use the name “witch” as a byword, nor as a curse. For thou art a witch, and a damn fine witch at that.

Rule #4: Thou shalt remember the sabbath and other festive times as a time to come together with coven and kin, if only within thine heart. For non-witch employers do exercise their position of privilege when scheduling workers, but they can never touch the witchdom within thine heart.

Rule #5: Honor thy elders and thy eldresses, for they have seen more shit than thou canst conceive in thy imagination, and they have endured. If for nothing else, but because they can witchfuck thine shitte.

Rule #6: Thou shalt not kill without cause. But if thine enemy do threaten thou and thine, then it is thy duty as a witch to do as thou needst do, even unto the death of thine enemy.

Rule #7: Thou shalt not commit adultery, for thou hast no need to stoop to such levels. If the flesh thou desires is claimed by another, then now shall thou see why rechargeable batteries are good purchases. (Rule #7a: If the flesh that thou desires is in an open relationship, have the decency to introduce thineself to thy desire’s partner. A threeway may be thy reward.)

Rule #8: Thou shalt not steal. Be not blinded by the gross materialism of others. As a witch, thine eyes have been opened to splendors beyond the worth of gold. Besides, thine victim may also be a witch, who shall witchfuck thee to oblivion. (Rule #8a: Thou shalt not live beyond thy means. For to thee, o witch, are the gates and realms ineffable opened. Of what use are the trite baubles when thou hast sacrificed the wholeness of thy mind and potential retirement for such weary and obsolete items?)

Rule #9: Thou shalt not lie, for not only will thine elders and eldresses see thine bullshit, the very forces thou claim to work with will stand as witness against thee.

Rule #10: There be but one Rule that summarizes all these. Abide by this rule and thou art a witch for ever and ever. These Six Words Empower You; “To Thine Own Self, Be True.” Do this, and truly, thou art a witch, and there be none that can force thee otherwise.

Any questions?

9 Replies to “The Ten Rules of Witchdom”

  1. I do not care if this is was written as someones written rules to live by or if it is a joke but I can say it was written in poor taste. Perhaps this person is a new Wiccan and has yet to actually find out what thier true Wiccan path will be.

    1. @Asshat above. Just where in the fuck did you read in her bio that she is wiccan,? FFS! This was written because of ridiculous people such as yourself think that the whole damn pagan world is fucking wiccan and has rules. Little tongue in cheek humor never hurt anyone, so remove the broomstick from your ass and lighten up. It will make your next year a better place to live.

    2. Do check your sarcasm detector and your joke processor. This was never meant to be taken as a hard and fast set of rules. If nothing else “Rule #10” should have given that away, “These Six Words Empower You; “To Thine Own Self, Be True.”” If you are being true to yourself, why be concerned about how other people are telling you to live? It is precisely the mindset portrayed in your comment that prompted me to write these rules in the first place. Someone making assumptions on incomplete data and running wild with it. Another pithy phrase for you: “All Wiccans are witches, but not all witches are Wiccan.” I’ll leave it to the friend I wrote this for whether or not to elucidate the circumstances to you. Perhaps I should have written as Darin suggested after all. Rule #10: “Do what thou Wilt shall be the whole of the Law”

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