The Unquenchable Decision

For most of the night, I was in the depths of Dreaming. There are no words that can describe what I was immersed in. Gone was all illusion of “higher-level thinking”. There were no equations that could describe this movement. No abstractions to compare it too.

Where I was, I wasn’t.

And I was there for most of the night.

“Do the lights always take this long to change? I don’t know how you can stand it. I can’t stand waiting. If I want to go somewhere, I want to go now, dammit. Not when some computer says I can.”

Huh? I look up and see the light is still red. “It’s taking longer because you’re in a rush, Dad. This is normal.” I’m a little disoriented. Spacing out behind the wheel is not a safe thing to do. Am I so used to Dad’s entitled bitching that his car-shaking gestures don’t even register anymore? Guess so.

The light changes, I proceed at my normal pace. Which, as usual, is too slow for him. “Speed up! Speed up!” He pushes against the dash as if by will alone he could get his way.

“I’m doing 25 in a 25 zone, Dad. The turn is just up ahead. I’m not going to risk a ticket or worse because you don’t want to spare half a second.”

“That’s half of a second I could be doing something else!” He was very angry now. I said nothing but continued driving to my new home. I’ve been here enough times to know the turns into the subdivision.

Three seconds after the intersection, I pulled up into the driveway of my house. My house. My house. No. It’s not. Something is wrong here. I look up at the nearby mountains. They are closer to me than to my parents’ house. I turn to look over the valley. The subdivision is built in the foothills, so all south facing houses have a view of the smog-filled valley. I can see my parents’ housing area from here. I’m maybe all of five miles away.

“Well. This is your new home! Needs work. I’ll come help.” He pulls a trellis away from the wall sharply, snapping it.

“Dad! Why are you intentionally breaking things!”

“If it was made right, I wouldn’t be able to break it!” He snaps another piece off and throws it to the ground. “See! Worthless! But that’s okay, you’re not far. I can come over anytime!” He tries to open the door but it is still locked. “Gimme the keys, I want to go in.” He holds his hand out for the keys but I back away.

Something is just not right. I’ve stood at their house and looked up at this hill many times. I’ve never seen a subdivision built here. There should not be one here, because of the fault system. It’s too fractured here, too much movement. This house, this entire subdivision, should not be here.

“What? You don’t want this house now? You want to move back in with us? I thought this is what you wanted! Now you can say you’re on your own, but we’re close enough to help whenever.”

I take a close look at my father. Then I catch the tell. His body shape is wrong. “Just why are you with me, today? I forgot. You know, I should take you back home.” I start for the car, but he’s determined to enter the house. Determined to get me to accept the house. Which is par for the course considering how god damned bullheaded stubborn my father is. Being determined to get his way. But now I see his hair is wrong, and he is gesturing with the wrong hand, and he speaks perfect English with no hint of his Puerto Rican upbringing.

“You’re always whining about wanting to get into the mountains. Look! The forest is just up that street! See, there’s a trail sign to take you into the wilderness. And if you look over that way, you can see the City!”

Wait. What? See… What?

I am now officially lucid. And officially pissed.

“ENVOY! ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT ALREADY! KNOCK THE FUCKING SHIT OFF! SHOW YOURSELF!” I turn in place as I scream. When I complete my rotation, my “father” has been replaced by the sharply dressed Envoy. While my wording was angry, I’m actually amused to see him. He bows in greeting, and appears amused that I am amused.

“Really? Still? I’m not going to settle down in the City! I thought you accepted that!”

He feigned hurt, but his smirk gave him away. “I did. I truly did. But it is still my duty to ensure you have some place within my lands that you can call your own. A person of your… stature… should always have some place of respite. I know you will not embrace the City. But the City is ever open to you.” He steps closer to me, but I am not afraid. “You never even came to the door of the condo I had set aside for you! I wondered if you preferred a more suburban setting, considering your history in the Waking.”

“Now that is where you pissed me off, Envoy. My Waking life is not a pick-a-part lot for ideal conditions. Not even for a masochist. I use my time in the Dreaming to sort out the bullshit of the Waking. I really don’t want it repeated, and certainly not to some twisted version of Fantasy Island! Besides. This hillside is tectonically active. If you make it too much like the Waking, it will break like the Waking. And the fault line is a couple hundred years overdue for a major break in the Waking. I’m sure you don’t want that kind of energy release to happen here.”

“That would not happen! I would prevent that!”

“The same way Donaldson was not assassinated?”

His diplomatic demeanor slipped momentarily. I couldn’t help but smile at the display. “Have you noticed, Envoy, when I forget where I am, the unexpected happens? If you want me to walk about the City and associated lands, then for the safety of both citizens and myself, I need to know where I am. The last thing you need is a world-breaker in your midst. And I have dreamed such things before.”

I rested against the cherry red sedan. “But, if it’s that important, I’ll come check out the condo. Is it near the coffeehouse?”

The Envoy wipes off unseen dust from his sleeves. “If you like.”

“I would like. Maybe I could allow myself to be spoiled… a little bit. But I want no part of politics!” He laughs. “Okay, as little as possible please. I’d like the number of chess-players kept to a minimum.” He smiles, and for the first time since meeting him so many months ago, it is a genuine smile.

“I make no guarantees. How entangled you become is entirely up to you.” We both nod in agreement. “The condo waits for you then, and I shall press upon this matter no further.”

“Thank you, Envoy. I’ll come down to the City to view it, and accept it. It may not be right away, however. I’ve been bounced all around the place lately, and very few nights have gone as I had planned. But I shall go to it.”

The Envoy bows a farewell and begins to walk away from the house. As he steps onto the sidewalk, he fades from view. I feel a subtle shift under me and stand to find the cherry-red sedan has become my diplomatic-black flying sedan. I wrinkled my nose at the return of the black color. I had grown fond of the red. Maybe I can see about changing the car’s color after viewing the condo.

I start to walk around the car to get in and fly away, when I hear the sound of flapping wings. Looking up, I see an unusually large raven. I hear another bird descending. Looking, I see two on the roof. More ravens arrive. They surround me in the dozens, but are not pressing on me.

They are waiting. But not for me. I wait with them.

When the giant raven landed on the car, its momentum shoved the car against me. I wondered if this is what the rocs of legend looked like. It looks at me, looks at the car, then looks at me again.

I bow slightly. “Allow me to tell the car to return to the City. It’s an automated process. Then I shall follow your lead.” The giant raven bobbed its head.

I reached in the open window, and activated the Driverless Return. If I’ve programmed it right, it will return to the lot by the coffeehouse, close up all windows, and lock itself until I (or the Envoy) activate it again. The car’s engine turned over, the windows rolled up, and the steering wheel unlocked into Flying Mode.

I fledged and backed away from the car. “As soon as you lift your weight from it, it will return. I’m ready when you are.” The giant raven leaned over and peered inside. It straightened back up, shook itself, and left a warm opinion on the car’s roof. I wasn’t surprised, nor offended. I only laughed and smiled.

I surrendered to the flock around me. When the giant raven launched itself, we all did. The suburbs quickly disappeared beneath us, and soon the very world faded away. Our entry to the Boneyard was smoother than before, as simple as slipping between the layers of Here and There.

We flew over my personal corner, and soon over Ravenwoman’s area and even Ravenwoman herself. We flew over areas that appeared abandoned with half-burnt pyres and scattered bones. We flew over piles heaped haphazardly, and piles built with visual effect in mind. I was surprised and yet not surprised to see others tending to bone piles. Many of the them didn’t see us flying overhead. A few did, and waved in passing greeting.

A large edifice was suddenly before us. The ravens led me to the clearing before the entrance. I realize I’ve been here before, but with split awareness. Then I was both priestess and petitioner. As priestess, I barred the entrance. As petitioner, I begged entrance. The temple was made from interlocking bones. No concrete, no wood, no stone. Bones. I was angered by it, but knowing this was a knee-jerk reaction, I said nothing.

Now, with whole awareness, I approach the bone temple again. A priestess bars the way, bearing a staff topped with a raven skull, a human skull, several small bones from both species, and strips of leather holding ratted feathers in place. The staff ignites my anger again, but I am able to keep my composure.

“You have come. It is time to complete your transformation.” Her words bring me to a halt. Just how fucking cheesy could she get. Everything I’m seeing screams ‘role-playing game’. Everything I’m seeing is completely out of character to everything else I’ve experienced in the Boneyard to date. I look back at the assembled ravens. My face is clearly showing an “Are you fucking kidding me?” look.

The ravens remain silent and still. The giant raven that led me here is missing. A second, normal sized raven flies to me and perches on my shoulder. The priestess stares at the perched raven with an unapproving glare, then turns and enters the bone temple. Good enough for me. I nod my pleasure at the feathered company and enter the bone temple after the priestess.

The bone temple is barely lit from within. My sight is reduced to my Waking human range. I can tell there are side rooms and alcoves, but I can barely see the path between door and the standing basin where the priestess is waiting for me. Her gaze is still disapproving of the raven on my shoulder. The raven is steadily returning her gaze. I feel we are being watched, but I can not see who is watching. An uncovered skylight directly above us allows ambient light to illumine her, me, and the still fluid filling the standing basin.

“It is time for you to complete your initiation and become a Ravenwoman.” She spoke with the clarity that comes with much repetition. Her face conveyed her belief in her words. She stared at mine, waiting for… something… I don’t know.

I’m sure my reaction was not it.

I stared quietly at her until her eager and welcoming smile faded. She glanced at the perched raven again anxiously. I looked at the basin, trying to ascertain its function. Failing, I looked up at her and quietly said, “The fuck you say?”.

She wavered a bit at my answer and blinked rapidly as she tried to process my response. “You… you… … Your initiation.”

I’ve been through many trials in the Boneyard. Not a single one of them was described to me beforehand as an initiation. A few were recognized after the fact as such, but I am quite sure this woman and this bone temple had nothing to do with them.

“But your bones have been burned and replaced, and an fleshy organ as well…” She looked at me in confusion. “And you’ve been named!”

Okay. Enough of this. “I’ve been reduced to ash in the Boneyard more times than I’ve gotten laid. And it was the ravens’ that chose to replace my heart with living flame, not any directive from you. And the name I’ve accepted as my own was given far away from you, this bone temple, this boneyard, and what ravens were watching did not belong to here, but to the Wanderer as it all happened in the Nine Worlds. I don’t know what assumptions led you to have me brought here, but I think you have me confused with someone else.” I almost said, “confused with someone that huffs bullshit”, but I thought I should be nice. For now.

She gripped the staff tighter. I kept myself from glancing at the skulls on the staff by glancing at the walls. Noting how the bones were broken apart to fit like mortarless jigsaw pieces only flamed my irritability. This is the Boneyard, where the dead are brought to release their last drops of living. Not a god damned monument to the hubris of the egotistical and self-righteous!

I suddenly understood where Samson got his strength from. If it weren’t for the sudden tightening talons of the raven still perched on my shoulder, I would have given in to my rage and brought the place down about my ears. Instead, I grit my teeth and place my best Civil Face on.

A moment of sharp edged silence passed between us. “The one that initiated you did not properly educate you about your obligations. That can be worked around. As you complete your initiation here tonight, you will learn what your place in the world is and become a fully empowered ravenwoman.”

My face did not register the screaming my flaming heart was vibrating. Was she deliberately trying to push me into a rage? My ‘place in the world’? Become a ravenwoman? What the flying fuck is this shit?

I took a deep breath, stared at the basin, and asked, “And how is this to proceed? I want to know it all. No surprises.”

“You’ll begin by removing the still burning organ and dousing the flame in this basin. Doing so, will seal you to this world, and allow this world to soak into your innermost, so you shall become a ravenwoman during, and after, your incarnation is over.”

Oh.

Fuck.

No.

I do not move, nor react. But let her words seep in deep. Knowing how words can be twisted in the Dreaming, I reach past the sounds I heard and gripped the meanings of her explanation instead. Turning the denotations and connotations every possible way in my mind, I tried to see if I had misconstrued her somehow.

“Lemme get this straight.” I struggle to be tactful. “Completely ignoring why I would even consider doing this in the first place, am I to understand the repercussions of this action is that I am bound to the Boneyard, and even after death, am unable to leave it? Also, I travel to other worlds, the Boneyard is but one of dozens I leap to at will, but by binding me to the Boneyard, I am prevented from going elsewhere, right? And what about those that I consider tribe and companions? What will become of them? I’ll be cut off from them as well? All for what? To have a formal title and become like her?” I ran out of tact points. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I didn’t wait for her to answer. I turned on my heel and strode out of the bone temple at a fast pace. The raven clung to my shoulder and hunkered down to keep its balance or my double-time pace would fling it off.

“Where are you going! You were called! You have to complete it! This is your destiny!”

I whirled around, throwing the raven into forced flight. When I stopped moving, it quickly settled back on my shoulder. The talons dug in for purchase, piercing shirt and skin, but I was so incensed, I didn’t care.

“I was called by the RAVENS! NOT by you and whatever culture or secret mystery club you call ‘master’. I was torn to pieces and reassembled by their command, not yours! Ravenwoman had to stand in as proxy because my childhood abuses were so fucked up, I was unable to hear the ravens directly for decades. But now that I can, she is no longer above me. YOU NEVER WERE!”

I slap the bone layered wall. “And THIS… is a mockery of what you claim to be! These are the bones of those that you and yours have suckered into submission. You build your edifice out of imprisoned sorrow! Maybe once there was a priesthood where humans worked willingly with death and decay, an order of psychopomps and shit. But this?” I allowed my disgust to register clearly on my face. “And that?” I pointed at her staff. “I would set the whole edifice aflame with my Unquenchable Heart if I was allowed. But I am prevented. Not by any respect to you. But by the simple plain raven that sits on my shoulder.”

I take a few steps backwards towards the entrance. “Do not cross my path again. In any of the worlds.” I whirl, this time taking care not to throw the raven off again, and stride with measured fury through the open entrance.

The clearing before the temple itself was bare. On every perchable spot around and beyond it, were hundreds and hundreds of ravens. The only sounds heard were my heavy breathing as I struggled to contain my rage, and the priestess’ footsteps as she was running to catch up with me.

I walked with somber gait into the middle of the clearing. The raven quit my shoulder and disappeared among its fellows. I was crying, but I don’t know why. I had made a decision, but the decision had not been made final.

I went down to one knee, braced my arm on the upright leg, and bowed my head in full and willing submission to the ravens.

“No!” The priestess was at the entrance behind me. I ignored her.

“You guys have been watching over me from the beginning. But I couldn’t see it. What I thought were nightmares were you giving me a place to hide from the pain. What I thought was malicious dismemberment was you replacing the broken with the whole. I had my Sight beaten out of me in the Waking, but you have always been with me. And when I finally turned back to find myself, you were the first ones I saw. I just didn’t understand then.”

I heard the priestess shrieking behind me, but her words were senseless sounds to me. The sounds of my tears striking the bare dirt were louder than her.

“There is still so much I don’t know. Still much I have to unlearn so I can learn the right things. You have been patient with me as I slowly awaken. I want to see this through to the end. I yield, to you, dear Ravens.”

“They are animals! Mindless, trainable animals! Why are you throwing away your humanity to be ripped apart by them! THIS is why you must come back! You’re blinded by ignorance! We’re supposed to step forward in evolution, not backwards!” The priestess’ words finally filter through. I want to silence her, but I know I have not the right to do so.

I force my rage back into control, and stand up. I’m still in my street clothes, only a little more dusty than before. I do not turn around. I know I won’t be coming back here anytime soon, if at all. Before me, the ravens clear a path away from the bone temple.

“If you walk away, you will only degrade yourself!” Oh. Really, now. A few ravens launch into flight, their combined wing beats catching my ear as a rhythm on distant drums. If walking away will degrade myself, then I shall dance away instead.

That is just what I do.

A shuffling, side to side swagger that continues the rhythm. Ravens erupt into calls all around me as I enter the sea of black feathers. I pay no attention to where I am going. I pay no attention to the few that watch me pass. I do not notice when my street clothes disappear and I am in the shroud and feathers again. There is only the drumming of beating wings, the shuffling of my feet in rhythm, and the waving of my arms to add flourish to the dance.

The revealed path continues on for a while, then loops onto itself around a lit pyre. In the circular path, I am shown mysteries that I know I will not be able to bring back to the Waking. I am at ease, however, because I know not only do I not have to, but that these mysteries are meant solely for the Dreaming and for the Dreamer still awaking.

It becomes too much, and I collapse from exhaustion. I open my eyes at the sound of approaching footsteps. Ravenwoman. She that first received me here, she that tried to steal my mask, she that tried to lord over me, was now standing over me. I try to rise off the ground, but I have changed form into something that should not be. The lower portion of one mythos, the upper portion of another, and yet something that is distinctly me. I try to change form into fully one or the other, but I am utterly exhausted.

“You’ve started some shit, you know.” I was helpless before her, and there was not a raven in sight. She picked up my defenseless form and placed me onto a nearby cold pyre. Humming contentedly to herself, she arranged more bones over me, nearly covering me completely. “There. You know what to do now. You go ahead and take care of things. I’ll keep watch.” The woman that once swore my destruction turned her back on me. I almost cried again. Instead, the fire lept from my heart and took to the bones. In the midst of the conflagration, I settled into deeper sleep.

Suddenly, my awareness splits. One part of me is still in the Boneyard, nestled in the pyre. The other part of me has collapsed into Snake’s arms in the lair. “I think I started some shit… in the Boneyard… not her fault… not…” Smoke is wisping from my mouth. He picks me up and shifts into his naga form.

He leaves the lair and makes for the nearby river at once. “You’re hot. Not sick-fever hot, not overly worked hot. You’re too hot.” I hear him entering the river. “I’m going to get this part of you chilled. I apologize for the shock, but if I don’t get you cooled off, you’re going to have other problems than just ‘starting shit’.” He suddenly sinks me into the water. I shriek from the cold. “Dammit, Weaver, do you have to go all out when ‘starting shit’? You’re an unstable dam at times. Either holding too much or flooding it all!”

He holds me so the current sweeps my legs down stream. He angles himself so the river flows around him and continues to flow over me. He has submerged me nearly completely in the cold water, leaving only my face exposed. Even then, he wipes my face with wet hands to cool that off as well.

He suddenly dips me so the river flows over me. The shock of the cold combines with mammalian reflex and sinks my awareness into a darkness. In that darkness, I see something clearly about myself. But I am unable to bring that something back with me.

In the Boneyard, I have emerged from the pyre whole and intact. Ravenwoman helps me to my feet, and after finding nothing out of place, leaves without saying anything. I don’t tell her I’m glad she is her usual curmudgeonly self again. I turn around to find I’m in my little corner of the Boneyard. I’m still feverishly hot, my enflamed heart burning furiously in my chest. I go to take a step, but I stumble and fall to my knees.

At once I am surrounded by ravens. They are pulling at the cloak and shroud. As they pull, the fabrics reform themselves into something different. The cloak is pulled into a different shape. The shroud is pulled off of me and wrapped around my arms where they become other things. The hood is pulled off the cloak and pulled over my face.

I see, and understand the import of what they are showing me.

In the river, I describe to Snake what the ravens have done. He tells me the reforming is temporary, but I am to act on it. “I know. But it will take me a long time to do this. I still have other things to do. It will have to be a stolen moment at a time. And even if I actually get this done reasonably soon, then what? I’m half done with my lifespan, Snake. Even if I postpone that date, then what? I’ll be an old woman with a young girl’s wants. What could I possibly do with it?”

Snake kisses my still too hot forehead. “I’ll be there when you find out.”

I resign myself and sigh in commitment. “Okay. But this will not be done quickly.”

At my committal, the ravens stop pulling at my clothes in the Boneyard. The garments reform themselves into the shroud and hooded cloak I know and cherish. The moment done, my heart returns to its normal state and the flame diminishes. As it does, my awareness leaves the Boneyard, making me whole in Snake’s arms.

My teeth start chattering as my body temperature suddenly drops. He notices at once and carries me out of the river to beside the campfire just without the lair. Wrapping himself around me to warm me, we both say nothing as the fire dries us off.

“Hey, Snake.” “Hmm?”

“[redacted as fuck]” He winced. “I was hoping you would have forgotten about that.”

“Like hell.” “This isn’t the time. I’ll have answers for you. But not now.”

“Why the fuck not?” “Trust me?”

I thought about it before I answered. “Yea, I trust you.” He snuggled closer than I thought possible. “Thank you.”

My body warmed, and I fell into deeper dreamless sleep.

Make of that, what you may.