When I wasn’t being tempted to do the thing I was told not to do, I put together the clues I have about the holy mountain I saw and why it is so important that I ascend it.
Well, I did say I wanted a blasphemy.
The only reason this works (for me) is because of my ignorance. Which disturbs me because I’m sure I’m wrong but I don’t have anything secure to refute my conclusion with.
And it starts with Mary.
Mary, Queen of Heaven, who I have accepted as my personal representation of femininity, womanhood, and motherhood. The Mary I know is wearing a mask that I can approach but I’m 85% sure she isn’t the Virgin Mary of Christianity. (I’m a lot more confused by this than I’m portraying, I assure you.)
This same Mary is my symbol/representation of the sphere of Binah and the pure water that it is the symbol of and is.
What I haven’t told y’all is I’ve been having brief glimpses of Mary holding hands with a bright shining, fire mantled man for a couple of months now. Each time she wants me to meet him. Not for worship. Not for subjugation. Not for any of the binding leashes that I associate with Christianity.
She is one half of divinity, she says. She and he are two gendered halfs of an ungendered whole, she says. The Christianity I grew up with is broken and incomplete, she says. And it is this unbalanced dogma that was wielded against me, she says.
So after hearing her out, I say the only proper thing to say. “Bullshit.”
But… I dunno.
I should meet the King of Heaven, she says. He has been trying to reach me for a long time, but all the experiences I’ve had with various flavors of American Christianity has blinded and deafened me.
I should meet a complete godhead, she says. But I have to do it gradually. I have to meet my fears.
I still wanna call bullshit.
Except there was that one vision when I crossed a chasm, leaving behind what is Keri, to ascend a glass smooth mountain that culminated in an endless expanse of water.
I called that summit Binah and declared it the realm of the Queen of Heaven.
And now here’s a mountain covered in fire that doesn’t burn, with a Mother pointing the way from her realm to the King’s. She has all but drawn out the Tree of Life.
Bullshit. Utter bullshit.
“What does he want from me, Mary?”
“The same as I. He wants you to be okay.”