I made the necessary preparations and carved out the minimally required number of hours in solitude. I was going to go up that holy mountain tonight, dammit. Every part of me was singing one part of a duet and I knew the only way to complete the harmony was to go.
So I went.
It takes me a while to segue into what I call “Binah”. Detaching from the physical body and senses while still “awake” is not an instantaneous process, after all. At least when I’m trying to do it myself and not being ganked by something greater.
I wait until I smell the pure sweet waters surrounding me before I open my eyes. Mary is there, glowing with light from within her skin, draped in robes the color of a pure lake, and wearing the tells that I personally know her by.
“Mother.” I kneel in greeting.
“Child.” She extends her hand and I take it graciously. “Where do you travel, Child?”
“I seek unity, Mother. I seek to go beyond the flames and meet your husband as you requested and join with what parts of me are already there with him.”
She smiles. I lose what fear I was not aware I had until I was aware of its absence. She lays her hand on my forehead. “Not tonight.”
My confusion holds me still as her warmth melts my resolve. “… No?”
My legs buckle and she guides me down to a kneeling position on the dry solid water under us. Her hand remains on my forehead.
“Shh.” She presses a little harder and my body relaxes completely. She lays me out on the surface of the welcoming waters encroaching over me. “Trust me.”
Being asked to trust her makes me wary. I struggle with myself, struggle to get up, struggle to have faith in her. Some battles are won and some are lost.
“I don’t understand, but I will trust you.”
She does not speak in answer. She smiles, and a calm lethargy overtakes me. As the rising waters envelop me, she keeps my face clear.
She slides her ever present hand from my forehead over my eyes, closing them, and pushing me under the surface.